


The Somebody I Want to See

by clearascountryair



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Kid Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-23
Updated: 2016-09-02
Packaged: 2018-08-10 15:20:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 26,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7850212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clearascountryair/pseuds/clearascountryair
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>It's not the end of the world</i>, Jemma told herself.  They would be safer, technically, and together.  <i>We can have brunch with Mack and Elena on Sundays.</i></p>
<p>When a government leak makes public the continued existence of SHIELD, Jemma finds herself falling down a deep, dark hole into a life she never knew.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Jemma | Down the Rabbit Hole

**Author's Note:**

> Finally--a multichapter I finished before I started posting. I'm super excited to share this with you all! I'll try and post every other day, depending on how long I take to edit it. It'll definitely all be out before engineering vs biochem ends #teambiochem
> 
> Massive thanks to agentcalliope and Lilly, who doesn't exist on tumblr, for editing this for me. You lovelies are my life.

They had a routine.  

At 5:45am, Jemma’s alarm would go off.  She would silence it and roll into Fitz’s arms.  Still mostly asleep, he would kiss her cheek, her jaw, her neck, and she would sigh and remind herself that if she didn’t get out of bed now, she wouldn’t get out of bed at all.  She would find his lips with her own and mumble against them, “Go back to sleep,” and he would respond incoherently.  By 5:47am, she was out of bed and by 6:00am, she was in the cardio room with Elena, side by side on the treadmill.  Day by day, Jemma worked to speed up and Elena worked to slow down until they were evenly matched.  In silence, they ran and watched the news and reminded themselves that not all evil came from Hydra and not all good came from SHIELD.

By 7:20am, she was back in her room, sweat still dripping from her face.  She would climb on top of Fitz, separated by her leggings, the blanket, his pyjamas, and kiss him awake.  He would respond enthusiastically, but only for a moment before crinkling up his nose.

“You’re gross and smelly and sweaty,” he would say.  “Don’t get my bed all gross-sweaty.”

And she would suck lightly at his jaw and say, “You like me sweaty in bed.”

And he would roll his eyes despite his breath hitching (every morning, and to her, it would never get old) and say, “Different type of sweaty.  You’re gross-running-sweaty.”

She would say “We can change that,” and they would.

By 9:00am (maybe just a  _ bit _ later), they were in the lab and the day had begun.

They had a routine.

  
It was a Monday in April and the world smelled new.

  
New.  
New.  
New _._

  
“For the sixth consecutive day following the government leak that revealed the continued existence of SHIELD, a list of personnel, and their actions, many illegal, since their supposed Hydra coup two years ago, an estimated more than ten thousand armed civilians surround SHIELD’s secret Nevada base.  This can only be described as the biggest scandal in recent history.  The American people feel--rightfully--betrayed by their government.  SHIELD is, without a doubt, a terrorist organization.  Across the nation, people are calling for the arrest of all SHIELD personnel, and from our Washington correspondents, we’ve been told that there are rumors of presidential impeachment.”

The television shut off and Jemma turned to see Elena in the doorway.

“Don’t they have anything new to talk about?”

“Normal people don’t want to think aliens are real.  And now that they have to, they don’t want to think that they’re good.  Or in government.  That’s nothing new.  You’re late today.”

Elena shrugged.  “ _ Aburrido _ ?”  

“Bored.”

“Right.  I’m bored.  I miss the sun.”

“Me, too.  I like watching the sunrise, but they’ve boarded it all up.”

“Will they keep us like this forever?”

“On lockdown?”

“Yeah.”

“I hope not.  We’ll run out of food eventually.”  She sighed, and slowed her treadmill.  “Besides, eventually people will find something new to hate.”

  
New.  
 _New_.  
 ** _New_** _._

  
“You’ll be starting new,” Director Hardin repeated and no one was brave or understanding enough to respond.

From the corner, Coulson glared at his successor.  He wasn’t even trying to hide it, Jemma noticed.  His face was a terrible cacophony of fear and rage and sadness and betrayal and how could she possible hear what Hardin was saying when Coulson’s face told her all she needed to know?

Fitz took her hand from where he was seated beside her and squeezed it gently.  Hardin’s eyes flicked to them quickly, his eyes narrowing at the small sign of affection and Jemma wanted to dare him to say something.

She didn’t.

A row of men she had never seen before was standing behind Hardin and, hard as she had tried to ignore them, they had served as a strong warning to the confused agents all gathered together in the briefing room.

_ Don’t fight.  Obey. _

“This leak has damaged SHIELD to the point at which we cannot be repaired,” Hardin continued.  “Day by day, people grow more terrified of alien threats, and now they’ve been told that their government has allowed for the training of Inhumans--Inhumans created by the government’s own negligence--for government positions.  As far as the people, as well as the president and myself, are concerned, SHIELD has failed the American people.”

Mack fidgeted in his seat and Jemma wondered if they were thinking the same thing.   _ Hardin’s  _ SHIELD failed.   _ Theirs _ hadn’t.  Theirs was still fighting.

“After now several days of intense discussion with the president and his cabinet, we have decided to disband SHIELD.”

“SHIELD’s already disbanded,” May said in a cool voice before Hardin’s words had had time to sink in.  “Technically, we already don’t exist.”

The look Hardin gave her stopped anyone from nodding in agreement.  “And then some low-life hacker revealed not only our existence, Agent May, but all of our names to the public, who believed  SHIELD has not existed as an official government organization since the Hydra coup.  This time, there will be no Director Fury going against every government order.  By next week, SHIELD will cease to exist, in both name and practice.”

Immediately, the room buzzed with whispered shock and confusion.  But Jemma sat silent and held Fitz’s hand tightly in her own.   _ It’s not the end of the world _ , she told herself.  SHIELD would end, but they would all still have each other.  They would be safer, technically, and together.   _ We can have brunch with Mack and Elena on Sundays. _  Fitz lifted their intertwined hands and pressed a kiss to her knuckles.  She looked at him and knew that it would be alright.

_ Maybe we can go to Perthshire _ , he mouthed.

She smiled and nodded.

Hardin cleared his throat and Jemma wondered what more he could possible have to say.

“The president, however, has expressed concerned over how strictly we can enforce the disbandment of an agency that doesn’t exist, and how we can maintain your safety when the public knows you all by name.  Therefore, it has been decided that, for the safety of both our agents and the public, your relocations will be government assigned.  Over the course of the next week, you will all receive documentation of your new identities and transport to your new homes.  Once you have been relocated, you will be unable to leave your placement until further notice.  In your first year, you will remain within a given radius of your home, which will vary based on location.  After that, you may travel within your country of placement.  We will do our best to accommodate all language limitations.  While you will not have the ability to contact us or each other, I will have the ability to contact you.  Should your identity be compromised, you will receive a new location and, if necessary, a new identity.  We will be monitoring communication, and it’s vital that you remember that communication  _ with each other _ will be considered compromise of your identity, and all involved former agents will be given fresh identities.”

“However--” Jemma’s head snapped around as Coulson spoke “--this situation will not be permanent.  We will be working to bring you all back together and back to your lives.  It is for your safety that you are being transferred.  If there were  _ any _ other possibilities, they would be taken.  And know that I will be working to get each and every one of you the option to come back here as soon as possible.”

“ _ Thank you _ , Assistant Director Coulson.”

This time, there was no buzzing.  The room was saturated in silence, hot and suffocating, freezing and enveloping.  Fitz’s nails dug into her flesh and grounded her.  She could feel his eyes on her, but rather than his gaze filling her as it so often did, it drained her until she was empty.  If she looked at him, she was sure she would shatter into a million pieces.

Then, of course, that was all utterly ridiculous.  They wouldn’t be split up. 

Maybe there’d be no brunch on Sundays.  And maybe no Perthshire.  But it would be okay.  She ran her thumb across Fitz’s tensed knuckles. 

“What about our families?” 

“Yes, thank you, Agent Mackenzie.  Your families will be notified with an explanation.”

“What?”

“We will, of course, acknowledge the leak.  But the specifics are classified.”

After a pause, Mack spoke again.  “What’s to stop us from walking out right now and quitting SHIELD before you kick us out?  What’s to stop us from dealing with all the crazies and making our own identities?”

“The government will be  _ generously _ stipening your--”

“With all due respect, sir, I don’t give a damn about the money.”

“Leaving is not an option, Agent Mackenzie,” he said.  “Noncompliance is not an option,” and Jemma could feel the bile rising in her throat and somehow Hardin kept speaking.  “After this meeting, you will all turn in any electronic devices you have: phones, computers, tablets.  The SHIELD databases will be wiped at the end of the week, and we cannot risk anyone copying any of our files and giving the public more than they already have.  Over the next six days, you will be transported from the Playground by Agent May and--”

There was a screech of chairlegs against the floor as May stood up.  “No,” she said simply.

“You are still our pilot, Agent May.”

But May shook her head.  “I believe, Director Hardin, that you just relieved us all of our duties.  And I will not be complicit in removing my colleagues from their lives.”

She sat down, face pale, and stared at Hardin as though willing him to respond.  Instead, he said, “You should have all of your personal affects packed tonight and ready to go by morning.  The order and timings of your departures have yet to be decided.”  He looked down for a moment before adding, “You must understand that this is the only option.”

_ You can’t do this do us, _ Jemma wanted to shout, to scream and cry.  But instead she asked, “What about Joey?”

“Mr. Gutierrez is a consultant and therefore will not be impacted.  His name was not on the leaked file.”

“And Daisy?” 

“That’s not your concern, Agent Simmons.”

But then Coulson responded and his voice was warm and comforting and furious.  “I’ll take care of Daisy, Jemma.”

Hardin stared first at Coulson, his face unreadable, before looking down at the desk before him and Jemma balled her hands into fists, daring him to look at her and confirm what he said was true--though she was sure that even if he had, she would not have been able to meet his gaze.

He sighed.  “Each and every one of you has been a loyal member of S.H.I.E.L.D. and the United States government.  As unfair as this may seem, I assure you, it is for your own safety and the safety of the country you have served.  You should be proud of the sacrifices you have made--your countrymen will appreciate them one day.  We thank you for your service.”

When he looked up, his face was void of all expression.  Jemma wanted to shake him.

“That will be all,” he said, and left.

Slowly the room emptied.  No one spoke until it was only the six of them left in the room: Coulson, May, Mack, Elena, Fitz, and Jemma.

“I’ll take care of Daisy,” Coulson repeated, because there was nothing else to say.

Jemma turned her head and allowed herself to look at Fitz.  His head was bowed and he seemed to be staring at their intertwined hands, silent tears dripping down to where his thumb brushed over her knuckles.  She let out a choked sob.

“This shouldn’t be allowed to happen,” Coulson said.

May let out a cool laugh.  “Well, it is,” she said, and walked out of the room.

There was a pregnant pause before Coulson said, in a voice so soft and hurt Jemma wondered if it was really his own, “I’m sorry,” and he too left.

Jemma brought the hand that wasn’t in Fitz’s up to her mouth and tried to quell her nausea.

“What do we do?” Elena said, and Jemma wanted so desperately to answer.

_ I’ll have Fitz, _ she told herself again.  Because not having him wasn’t a possibility.  They were special, they were Fitzsimmons.  The idea of splitting them up was absurd.  Surely even Hardin would recognize that.

And then Fitz looked up and caught her eye.

Suddenly, it was all too much and she wrenched her hand from Fitz’s grasp.

“I’m going to be sick.”  And she took off running.

She couldn’t remember choosing his bunk over hers, she couldn’t remember if she was aware of him following her.  But he was there and they were sitting on the floor, backs against his bed, holding each other because this was surely how the world ended.

They had been separated before, but always looking for each other.

When their sobs finally quieted, and the sat there leaning against one another, Jemma finally managed to speak.

“I need you to promise me something.  Just in case.  Two things.”

In lieu of response, Fitz kissed her forehead.

“Promise me that some part of you will always love some part of me.”  She took a deep breath.  “But promise me more that you will let yourself be happy one day.  Promise me you’ll go on a date.”

“Jemma--”

“No, you have to promise.  A...a date for each year.  So you have to go on one the first year, and two the second.  And not two random ones, okay?  You’ve got to find a girl worth taking on a second date.”

“Jem--”

“ _ Promise me _ .”

He kissed her hard, pushing her so that she lay on the floor and climbing over her.  

He was crying again now, and she was certain that she was too, but it didn’t matter.  All she wanted was for him to keep loving her.  She turned her head to the side to give him better access to her neck, and let out a surprised, “Oh!”  She nudged him until he sat up and she immediately went to his computer.

“Jemma?”  He looked up at her from the floor as the looked intently at the screen.  She held up a finger, begging for a moment.  A minute later, his printer woke up beneath his bed and he smiled.  For several minutes, they were silent, the only sound in the room being his printer as picture after picture came out.  The two of them smiling together at graduation, at her brother’s wedding, in the Seychelles.  Candids they had taken of each other over the years.  A picture they were fairly certain Coulson had taken of the two of them and Daisy, curled up asleep on the couch in the BUS.  Their entire lives suddenly inked onto eight-by-eleven sheets of paper.

Fitz pushed himself off the ground.  “Pick your favorites,” he said, “I’ll get photo paper.”

She could hear him running down the hall, not willing to waste anymore time than was necessary away from her.

When he returned, the only sign that she had moved was her clothes on his floor and her new outfit, entirely made of mismatched pieces from his own closet.

She turned to him with a sad smile.  She knew he would come back and say,  _ You can’t take all of my clothes, Jemma _ , and she would pretend to fight him on it and he would pretend to demand certain articles back and she would rid herself of everything but his jumper and he would make love to her there on his desk, too desperate for her to move to his bed.

Instead, his eyes squeezed shut and his lips pulled tight and his whole face contorted as he was again reminded that their world could be finite.  He brought up his hands to cover his face, his right holding his left as his entire body shook.  Tears freely pouring down her own face, Jemma stood up and walked over to him, pulling his head to her shoulder and wrapping her in his arms.

“I don’t know what to do,” he choked out.

“Love me,” she said, as though that were even in question.

He backed her up against his bed, falling over her.  And for a stretch of time that was over far too quickly, they only loved each other.  The rest of the world had ceased to exist.

“We could run away,” she whispered later, tracing her fingers over the warmth of his skin.

“Where would we hide?”

He looked at her with such adoration, with such grief, that she couldn’t stand his gaze.  

“I have to pack,” she said suddenly.  She slipped back into his sweatpants and into his jumper, and all but ran from the room.

As if controlled by another being, she began haphazardly pulling items from her drawers and throwing them on her bed.  She could take anything, everything, and nothing that mattered.

Forty-five minutes later, her door clicked open.

“Can I come in?”  Despite the redness of his eyes, Fitz’s voice was steady.

She nodded, almost regretting it when he pulled his suitcase in with him.

“They came for all my stuff right after you left.  Laptop, camera, phone.  They scanned the whole damn room looking for anything they could take.  And, um, you forgot these,” he said, holding out a stack of photos.  “I picked some for you.  For the nice paper.  That was a good idea.”

She smiled and took them, hugging them to her chest.  “We were supposed to go to Perthshire.”

He stared at her for a moment before responding.  “Yeah, um,” he reached into the outer pocket of his suitcase and pulled out a small black box.  “I was gonna give this to you.  Properly.”

“Please don’t.”

“Jemma, I love you so much.”

“Fitz.”

“With everything that I am and everything that I can ever possibly be and--”

She ran to him, covering his mouth with her own.  “Don’t, don’t,” she sobbed against his lips.  “How can I possibly ever even try to be happy knowing everything we could have had?”

He smiled against her mouth.  “I think you’re being melodramatic.”

“I’m being right.”

“I know,” he said.  “But please, take it.  You don’t ever have to wear it.  You don’t even have to look at it.  But one day, I will find you.  And when I do, I’m going to ask you to marry me.”  He let out a sound against her mouth that sounded like something between a sob and a laugh.  “And I really liked this ring and it was really expensive, so I can’t let it go to waste.”

She nodded and took the box, placing it in the pocket of the jumper she had taken.  She turned her face away from him, though kept him in her arms, and looked towards her bed.  

“Will you..?”

He nodded and together they filled a suitcase with her belongings, with the pictures, and with the ring she couldn’t look at, and, when her bed was rid of all her belongings, they fell into it.

Some time later, she looked down at where his head rested on her chest.  Smiling softly, she ran her fingers over his jaw.

“We should make pancakes,” she said softly.

Fitz smiled against her skin, but didn’t look up at her.  “Jemma…”

“They always make everything better.”

He moved to rest his head on the pillow beside her.  “I don’t think pancakes will solve this.”

“Fitz--”

“And we’re out of mix.”  He smiled despite the tears leaking from his eyes.  “I already checked.”

Choking back yet another sob, Jemma rolled into his arms. Tangled in each other , they fell asleep.

  
At 5:45am, Jemma’s alarm went off.  She silenced it and rolled into Fitz’s arms.  Still mostly asleep, he kissed her cheek, her jaw, her neck, and when she turned to find his lips, she found his eyes wide and awake and staring at her as though she might disappear.

Because she very well could.

“Stay,” he whispered.

And she did.

  
It was Tuesday.

  
It was only Tuesday and she was walking to the kitchen and an agent she didn’t know asked her to come with him.  And it was only Tuesday, so she did.

Director Hardin stood before the quinjet, Jemma’s own suitcase next to him, and Coulson on his other side, looking just as shocked to see her as she was to be there.  Immediately, she turned to go, but the agent who had retrieved her took her arm.  

“Please don’t make us sedate you, Agent Simmons.”

She tried to stay calm, but there was nothing she could do to hide the hysteria in her voice.  “I have to say goodbye!”

She tried to pull away, but the agent tightened his grip on her arm.  Coulson inhaled sharply, and held up a hand,stepping towards her.  The agent released her and, before she could run, Coulson had his arms around her.

“I’m so sorry, Jemma.”

All propriety forgotten,  Jemma allowed herself to sob into his shoulder.  “I have to find Fitz.  I have to tell him goodbye.”

“I’m sorry, Jemma.”  He tightened his arms around her, one hand rubbing her back as though to try and comfort her, but how could he?  She pressed her hand firmly against his chest and pushed back.

“You can’t let them do this!”

“Jemma--” Coulson reached forward and, though she could see the pain in his eyes, it wasn’t enough.

“After  _ everything _ , you’re going to let them send us all away?”  Although the rational parts of her brain were telling her that Coulson was not to blame for the liquidization of S.H.I.E.L.D., she could not stop the flow of blame spilling from her mouth.  “I went to Hydra, I went to Maveth!”

Coulson shut his eyes and took a deep breath before opening them.  “You have gone above and beyond your duties, Jemma, more times than anyone could have imagined--”

“I’ve done everything right!”

“I know.” He stepped towards and again wrapped her in his arms.

“No!”  She tried to pull away, but Coulson held her tight.  “You have to let me stay!  You have to!  You have to…” her voice broke.  “You have to let me say goodbye.”

“I know, Jemma, I know.”

Beside them, Hardin cleared his throat.  “Agent Simmons, if you do not get on this plane, I will have to choice but to sedate you.”

She wrapped her arms tightly around Coulson.  “You have to let me stay,” she sobbed.

He nodded.  “You will not touch her, Hardin.”

“That, Agent Coulson, is not your call.”

“I won’t go with them,” she whispered, and Coulson nodded.

“I’m going to find a way around this,” he said, before shouting something as another agent advanced towards them.

 

And then there was only blackness.

  
She awoke sometime later, blinking against a bright light, and allowed herself to be dragged from the quinjet and put in a car.  Before she knew it, she was standing at the airport terminal, an old life in her suitcase and a new one in the folder in her hand.

  
By Friday, she had adjusted to the jetlag.  By Monday, she forced herself onto her porch.  A small child, no more than three years old, was riding a plastic tricycle down the walkway of the house next door, turning at the sidewalk and heading towards Jemma’s home.  Her exhausted looking mother came running after her.

“Sorry, sorry!  Can you grab her?”

Jemma knelt down and put a hand on the tricycle.  “Hi,” she said, speaking for what felt like the first time in forever.  “What’s your name?”

The girl stuck a thumb in her mouth and didn’t respond.  

“So sorry about that,” her mother said, reaching them and picking up the child.  She couldn’t have been more than a few years older than Jemma herself.

“It’s not a problem,” Jemma said.

“Oh, you’re English!”  The woman smiled.  “Are you new to Melbourne?”

Jemma nodded, forcing a smile.  “I’m teaching at the university come fall.”

“Oh, that’s wonderful!  I teach there, too.  Botany.  What will you do?”

“I’m a biochemist.”  

“That’s brilliant!”  She shifted the girl on her hip.  “We should do tea sometime, yeah?  I’d say let’s get drinks but,” she gestured down to the small bump beneath her tanktop.

Jemma nodded.  “That would be nice.  And congratulations.”

“Thank you.”  The woman smiled at her.  “Oh, my god!  I didn’t even introduce myself.  I’m so sorry.  I’m Ellie Adler, this is Beth.”  She held out a hand and Jemma took it.

“Alice Simon,” she said, and hated how natural it sounded.  

Ellie grinned.  “Well, welcome, Alice.  If there’s anything you need, food recommendations, anything, just let me know.”

Alice nodded.

  
She made it a week before she gave into the sobbing.  She would allow herself one last night as Jemma, wallowing in her misery, and then she would be reborn from her own ashes or some other bullshit metaphor that was better suited for a fantasy story.  So she cried and cried and cried until she couldn’t breathe.  And then she cried some more until she was sick.

She was sick the next morning, too, and used it as an excuse to stay in bed all day.

The next day, Ellie stopped by with soup and, simultaneously bluntly and politely, asked if there was another reason Alice had moved to Melbourne.  By the end of the day, Alice had cried until there was no more tears left in her, and had agreed to go to Ellie’s new yoga class with her.

“You seem sweet,” Ellie said.  “Really, I’m here if you need  _ anything _ .”

Alice smiled.  She’d cling to any friendship she could get.

* * *

_ “I saw this when I went to the store for, um, other reasons.  I really want to tell you, but I think I’ll wait.  Maybe tomorrow.  I’d want to be sure it’s real.  Anyway, I found this...I don’t even know...is it technically a camcorder?  It...um, it seemed to be what I needed.  It’s cheap enough that you have to consciously upload it all to the internet, so I don’t think anyone will ever hear what I have to say.  Maybe you.”  She shut her eyes and sobbed.  “I don’t want to do this.  I never wanted to do this again, you know.  I wish you were here, though.  Melbourne’s not as bad as Maveth and really I said that to be funny, but, you know, at least there there was a chance that any moment the portal would open and you would find me.  But I doubt there’s a portal between Melbourne and wherever the hell you are.  Oh, fuck, I’m going to be sick.” _

* * *

She ended up not starting teaching in July, as planned, but when the new year started in February.

She smiled at her class, hoping that didn’t notice the bags under her eyes.  With a deep breath, she started her slideshow.

“Good morning, everyone.  If you’re not here for molecular science, you are in the wrong place, and should probably go find wherever you’re supposed to be.  My name is Alice Simon and I will be your professor this semester.  My background is in biochemistry, with emphasis on medical applications, though I have also done some work with biomedical engineering.  My office hours are on the syllabus, and I will send out an email if they ever change for a given week.  The best way to reach me is through email.  I will do my best to respond within twenty-four hours.   _ However _ ,” she clicked to the next slide and smiled when several people cooed.  “Yeah, this is Margo.  She’s incredibly cute, but incredibly needy.  She was two months last Thursday, so I try and cut her a break on the neediness.”

The class laughed and Alice smiled.

“Let’s do some science, shall we?”


	2. Alice | I'm Afraid I Can't Explain Myself

Alice was thankful that Ellie had started the car while she was still putting her shoes on.

“Why do you make me do this?” she groaned, resting her forehead against the air vent.

“Because it’s the only time aside from work you don’t feel guilty leaving Margo.  Will you sit the fuck up?  You’re gonna have my whole car stinking like you.”

Alice leaned back in her seat.  “It’s just so hard now,” she said as Ellie backed out of the parking space.  “She’s getting so big and she _knows_ when I’m not around.”

Ellie rolled her eyes.  “Yeah, well, so do Beth and Sylvie.  They get over it.  Anyway, Margo always knew you were gone, it’s just now she can actually express it.”

“I hate leaving her.  I’ve just been so busy lately.  Did I tell you Scott called me last night?”

Ellie wiggled her eyebrows and grinned.

“He’s the head of our department, Ellie.  I’m not going to do _anything_ with him.”

“Alice.  It’s been--” she paused to add the numbers up in her head-- “twenty-seven months.  Well, twenty-seven months minus three and a half weeks.  But still, it’s been over a year since you’ve gotten any.  If you think about it, you’ve never had sex in Australia.”

“You don’t know that.”

“You haven’t had sex since you moved to Australia to live permanently.”

Alice sighed.  “I’ve got Margo.  We’ve got a system.  We don’t need a man mucking it all up.”

Ellie again glanced at her.  “Not even spectacularly good-looking, spectacularly clever Scott Anderson, who, need I remind you, remembered your daughter’s birthday?”

“Only because you bought a cake for the department!  Even though Margo wasn’t actually there.”

“Ah, yeah, well, still, Alice.  You need to get laid.”

Alice rolled her eyes.  

“Tell me you at least have a decent vibrator.”

“ _Ellie_!”

“I’m only looking out for you.”

Alice groaned and pressed her forehead against the window.  “Do you want to know why Scott called or not?”

“Yes, Alice.  Please, absolutely tell me the terribly _non_ -sexy reason Sexy Scott called you on Thursday night.”

“He wants me taking on another class next term.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.  Well, kind of.  They haven’t got a replacement for Joanne yet.  Apparently they’re trying to get this guy in _Berlin,_ of all places, but he’s still trying to get out of his current position or something.  So Scott’s having me teach the bioengineering course.”

“Do you even do bioengineering?”

Alice nodded.  “Yeah, kind of.  My last research job--I mainly did the bio part and my...my partner did the engineering.”  She looked down at her lap and pulled at her leggings.

“Partner who definitely isn’t Margo’s father?”

“Mhm.”

“Christ, Alice, you’re the worst liar I know.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Alice rolled her eyes.  “We’ve had this conversation a thousand times, El.  Her father and I got separated.”

“Yeah, okay, I may be a botanist, but I’m pretty sure that’s a very intentional use of passive voice.”

“That’s the truth.  I’m not having this conversation again.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“Thank you.”

The car slowed as the approached a red light, and Ellie glanced at her phone.  “Oooh, new guy finally moved in.”

“Across the street?”

“Yeah.  Mike says he’s cute.”

Alice groaned and said warningly, “Don’t you even think about it.”

“He’s called Leonard...eh, we’ll make do.  Oh, god, Leonard Fitzgibbons, the poor boy.”

Alice’s hand froze on her leggings.  

_Leonard Fitzgibbons_ , she mouthed the name without realizing she was doing so.

“Al?”

_Leonard Fitzgibbons_.

“Alice!”

“Yeah, sorry.”

“You alright?”

“Yeah, yeah. Um, Leonard Fitzgibbons?  Really?  Poor dear.”

Ellie shook her head.  “You are an odd one, Alice Simon.”

Alice laughed.  “It makes me rather endearing, I think.”

Five minutes later, they pulled in the Ellie’s garage.  No sooner had they stepped in the door than did Mike come around the corner, two mugs of coffee in hand.

“He’s very nice, Alice, I invited him in for coffee.  He’s in the other room with the girls.  Very nice,” he said in an undertone, kissing Ellie’s cheek.  “And one of yours!”

Alice took the mug he offered and quirked her brow.  “He’s English?” she asked, taking a sip.

Mike shrugged.  “Scottish, but close enough.”

Alice immediately choked on her coffee, eyes bulging.  Mike took back her mug.  “You okay?”

“Yeah, yeah,” she said, her voice several octaves higher than normal.  “Yeah, just like, fucking hot coffee, you know?”

Ellie laughed.  “Ignore her, babe, she’s been weird this morning.  I think she just needs to get laid.”

Alice tilted her head back.  “Oh, for Christ’s sake,” she exclaimed, much louder than she meant to.  

On cue, there was a high pitched shriek and giggle from the next room.

“MAMAMAMAMAMA!”

There was a soft _thump_ and Margo began to cry.

Alice just swallowed, unable to go into the next room.  She was aware of her daughter crying, of Mike and Ellie staring at each other in confusion.  Ellie put a hand on her shoulder.

“Jesus fucking Christ, Alice, you’re shaking!”

“Oh, shit!”  Alice brushed a loose strand of hair behind her ear and rushed to the next room.

Margo was sitting on the floor next to the coffee table, thumb in her mouth, tears on her cheeks, a large red mark on her forehead.  Beth sat behind her, patting her shoulder with the affection only a five-year-old could muster and Sylvie sat a few feet away, thumb in her mouth as though Margo’s pain was her own.  A tall man with dark hair crouched between Margo and the table.

“It’s just a bump,” he was saying in a soft voice, though one that sounded unfamiliar with talking to a child.  He glanced up at Alice with a nervous smile.  “Is this your mummy?”  And then, switching from baby talk, “You must be Alice.”

Margo looked up, noticing her mother for the first time.  Immediately, she began to whimper and held her arms up.

Alice muttered a quick “Hi,” but kept her eyes firmly on Margo, picking her up and kissing the bump on her head.  “Did you bonk your head, baby?”

Margo buried her face in Alice’s shoulder and whined.  Shifting Margo in her arms, Alice pressed her forehead against her daughter’s, holding her tight as the girl squirmed.

“Margo, hey, Margo.  Look at Mummy.”  She grinned when Margo finally settled.  “Bonk,” she said softly, and kissed her nose.

Margo giggled.  “Bonk,” she repeated.

Behind them, Mike laughed.  “Look how brave Margo is, girls!” he said.

Beth clapped her hands and shrieked, “Yay, Margo!”

Margo giggled again.  The man who could only be Leonard Fitzgibbons straightened up.

“Leo,” he said, extending his hand.

Alice tightened her arms around Margo and tried to flash an apologetic smile.  It was probably more of a grimace.

“Alice,” she said.  “And this is Margo.”

“She’s adorable.  How old is she?”

“One and a half.  Well, nineteen months.”  She turned quickly to Ellie.  “I rescheduled my office hours this week.  I’m not going to campus today.”

Ellie raised an eyebrow.  “You’re not staying for coffee?”

Alice shook her head.  “I haven’t fed Monster yet.”

Beth ran over and tugged on Alice’s arm.  “Will you kiss him for me, please?”

Alice forced a grin and bent down to let Beth kiss her cheek.  Immediately, Sylvie ran over, pushing her sister to the side.

“Me!  Me!  Me!”

Alice kissed the top of her head.  “Monster kisses from everyone, okay?”

Sylvie nodded and kissed Alice’s cheek.

“Do you want to bring Monster over later?” Mike asked.

Alice shook her head.  “No, um, thanks, though.  I’ll see you tomorrow.”

She turned to go.

“It was nice meeting you, Alice.”

“Yeah...say, ‘bye-bye,’ Margo.”

“BYE-BYE!”

Balancing Margo on her hip, she made her way to the door.  

“Can you hold one just a sec?” she heard Ellie ask Leo.  Leo _fucking_ Fitzgibbons.  And then, “Al!  Hey, Al!”

Alice leaned her head back, tears welling in her eyes.  

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Ellie asked, dropping her voice to a whisper and placing her hand on Alice’s shoulder.  “What’s up today?”

Alice shook her head.  “I just need to go home.  We’ll talk later, yeah?”

Ellie looked at her with such pity that it took everything she had not to completely lose it.  With a small sigh, Ellie opened the door.  “You know you’re practically family to us, Alice, right?”

Alice gave her a curt nod.  “Yeah...I’m just...I’m sorry.”  She half-ran down the front steps, fishing her keys from her pocket with one hand and gripping Margo tight with the other.  As soon as she was inside, she leaned back against the door, clutching Margo to her chest.  

“Your mummy’s a mess, isn’t she, Margo?”  And she began to cry.  

With a small gasp, Margo reached up and wrapped her arms around Alice’s neck, pressing loud baby-kisses to her chin.  “No, Mama!  All be’er!”

Alice shut her eyes and took a deep breath.  “Yeah, baby.  Mummy’s all better.”

From his crate in the kitchen, Monster barked.  Plastering on another smile, Alice set Margo in her play-pen and turned the television on.  “Margo, Mummy’s going to take a shower.  Is the telly okay?”

Margo ignored her, already seated as close to the screen as the playpen would allow, staring at it.

“Margo?”

“Bye-bye, Mama!”

Alice smiled sadly at the back of Margo’s head and, stopping to feed Monster, went to the shower and let herself cry.

It wasn’t fair.

This wasn’t the first Leo she had encountered, nor was it the first Fitz-whatever.  There had even been a Fitzsimmons once.  She choked back a sob, remembering the cool tile of the half-bath’s floor on her skin as she lay on her back, motionless from ten in the morning until nearly eleven that night, when Mike had broken a window to climb through to pound on the locked bathroom door.

> _“Alice, open the door.”_
> 
> _“I thought I found him.”_
> 
> _“Alice--”_
> 
> _“I wasn’t supposed to be this person.”_
> 
> _“Tell me how to help you.”_
> 
> _“This isn’t supposed to be my life.”_
> 
> _“Al--”_
> 
> _“And I think my water broke.”_

She stayed in the shower longer than she knew she should have, letting herself get it all out before she went back to being Alice.

Finally, stepping out of the steam, she pulled on _his_ sweatpants and _his_ jumper, and returned to the living room.

Margo was lying on her belly, nose to nose with Monster, who had apparently jumped the play-pen’s fence.  Smiling, genuinely this time, Alice turned off the television.

“No!”  Margo frowned at her mother.

“Telly time’s over, baby.”

“NO!”

Monster barked.  Sighing, Alice opened the gate, letting Monster out and picking up Margo, who shrieked and brought her fist down hard on Alice’s shoulder.

“Hey!  We don’t hit!”

“NO, MAMA!”

“Margo.  We do not hit.  We will watch telly later.  Mummy’s got a surprise for you if you say ‘sorry.’”

Margo pouted, but grumbled, “Sorry, Mama,” and clung to her mother’s neck as they went back to her room.  Humming softly, Alice sat Margo on the bed.

“How long do you think you can be super still, Miss Margo?”

For a moment, Margo furrowed her brow.  Then, she held up one hand, spreading her stubby fingers apart.  Alice put on a look of surprise.

“Wow!  That’s a lot.  How many is that?”

“ONE!”

Alice laughed.  “No, silly, let’s count, okay?” She grabbed Margo’s hand and began counting her fingers.  “Wow!  Five whole fingers!  That’s a long time to be still!”

“YES!”

“Yes?  Okay, starting...now!”

Margo took a deep breath and Alice bit her lip to stifle her laughter.  Quickly, Alice got on her knees and pulled a box out from under the bed.  Opening it, she smiled softly, looking at the pictures inside.  There was a tug on her hair.

“Hi, Mama.”

Alice laughed and reached up to lift Margo from the bed and set her on the floor beside her.  “That’s not being very still, monkey.”

Margo giggled.  “Oops?”

“Oops!”  She tapped Margo’s nose, sending the toddler into a fit of giggles.  Keeping one arm around Margo, Alice reached under the pictures and pulled out the video camera, faced it at the two of them, and turned it on.  Releasing Margo, she picked a picture from the box, one she had scanned and saved half a hundred times, one taken long ago of him sitting on a beach in the Seychelles, sunburnt and dripping and smiling at the camera, smiling at her.

“Hey, monkey,” she said, as Margo began playing with her hair.  “Monkey!”

“No, mama.”

“Margo, look up!”

Margo did, and immediately gasped.  “Dada!” she shrieked, grabbing both the picture and the camera from Alice’s grasp.  “Dadadadada!”

Alice laughed as Margo began toddling away.  “Where ya going, monkey?” she asked, pushing herself up off the ground.

Margo’s voice carried in from the hallway.  “Here, Mama!”

Tucking the rest of the box back under the bed, she followed Margo into her room.  Margo stood next to the crib, picture in one hand, still rolling camera in the other, both held high over her head.  “Up, Mama!  Margo up!”

Alice laughed.  “You have to give Mummy the camera first.”

“No!”

“Do you want to make Daddy too dizzy to watch the rest?”

Margo stared at the camera for a moment before looking up at her mother with big, sad, amazingly blue eyes.  “Dada?”

Alice knelt down, smiling sadly.  “You can take Daddy with you.  And Mummy will hold the camera so Daddy can see your pretty little face.”

“YES!”

Taking the camera, Alice scooped Margo into her arms and set her in the crib.  “Alright, Miss Margo, what are we showing Daddy today?”

“Money!” she shrieked, grabbing her stuffed lion from her pillow and shoving it towards the camera.

“Yeah, our monkey’s got her own little lion, Monkey, but we’re still working on our Ks.”  She turned the camera quickly to herself.  “Are you ready for this?” she asked, before turning it back.  “Hey, Margo!  What do you love more than anything in the whole wide world?”

“Mama!”

“And?”

“Da!”

“And after Mummy and Daddy?  What do you love most?”

“MONEY,” Margo shrieked, clutching Monkey to her chest.

Alice laughed.  “I’m a terrible mum, making fun of my kid for not talking properly yet, but I just love hearing her say it.  Can you imagine what Daisy would say?”  She grinned and reached out to tickle Margo’s side.  “Your Aunt Daisy would love you!”

“Money?”

Again, Alice laughed.  “Yeah, baby.  And Monkey, too.”

Margo nodded and looked intently at her lion.  “Margo nap?” she asked, looking up at her mother.  Alice raised an eyebrow.

“Nap?”

“Nap!”

“Okay, say ‘bye-bye’ to Daddy.”

“No!  Song, mama, song!”

“With Daddy still here?”

“Yeah.”  Margo lifted up her arms, Monkey dangling from one hand and her dad’s picture clutched in other.

Alice set the camera down on Margo’s dresser, angling it so it faced the rocker in the corner.  Humming, she picked Margo up and sat down, letting the girl curl up in her lap.

“What are we singing, baby?”

“Moon!”

“We’re gonna sing ‘Moon’ even though it’s still day?”

“Yes!”

“Okay.”  Alice squeezed her close and began to slowly rock back and forth.

_I see the moon, and the moon sees me, and the moons sees the somebody I want to see._  
_So god bless the moon, and god bless me, and god bless the somebody I want to see._  
_It seems to me that god above created you for me to love, and picked you out from all the rest, because god knows that I love you the best.  
So god bless the moon, and god bless me, and god bless the somebody I want to see._

She looked down to see Margo with her eyes shut.  “Little faker,” she whispered.  She stood up and set Margo gently back in the crib.

“Bye-bye, Dada,” Margo mumbled as Alice went to the camera.  “Mwah!”

“Sleep tight, baby.”  Alice turned off the light and shut the door, leaving it only slightly cracked.  “Betcha didn’t think I’d ever be singing to a kid.  Or singing about _god_ to a kid.  But my Granny used to sing it when I was a kid and it stuck.  It’s stupid and childish, I know, but I like to think that she knows that, if there is something bigger watching over her, it sees you too.”  She sighed.  “But I’m not going to cry now.  I’ve done enough of that today, I think.  She loves naps.  I think I’ve told you that before.  Or, at least, that she loves being in bed.  I think she mostly just talks with Monkey the lion.”

She sat down on the couch and grinned.  “It’s cute.  Oh, we’ve got a new neighbor.  Leo Fitzgibbons.  Ah, shit, I was really set on the not crying thing.  Fuck, I miss you.  She’s so much like you, Fitz.  And I’m scared I’m hurting her.  It really hit me hard the other day.  She was being so _unbelievably_ grumpy.  A Fitz, through and through.  And I had had enough and I told her that she needed to stop or I’d send her to Glasgow so her Gran could put some sense into her.  And that I thought, could I even do that?  Could I find I way to get her to your mum or mine?  It’s not like she’s got any government secrets.  I could figure it out.  But I can’t.  She’s the only thing that gets me through this.  I don’t know how you’ve done it.  And I know it’s horribly selfish of me--it could be so wonderful for her to know her family.  Am I a terrible mum for keeping her here with me?”  She sighed.  “I wish you were here.  I love you very much.  Always.  But I hope you’re happy.  I’ve been terribly naughty and haven’t been on a single date.  I should have been on three by now.  I hope you’ve done better.  I’ll be mad if you haven’t.

“I think Margo knows when I’ve been crying, so I’ll stop now.  Maybe I’ll make pancakes for lunch.”  She laughed.  “God, I’m a shit mum.  Love you.”

She turned off the camera and went to put it back in its box under the bed.  Through the baby monitor, she could here Margo breathing softly.  “Guess you did want to nap, Monkey,” she whispered to herself.  Quietly as she could, she went back into her daughter’s room.  

Margo lay on her belly, fast asleep, Monkey by her head and Fitz’s picture grasped firmly in her chubby hand.  Alice clapped both hands over her mouth and all but ran from the room, immediately crouching in the hall, choking back sob so as not to wake the baby.  There was a soft pattering and Monster curled up beside her, resting his head on Alice’s knee.  She moved a hand to the dog’s head, rubbing it softly until she reminded herself to breathe.  She wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but eventually, her daughter began babbling, her giggles and mindless words drifting through the open door.  Alice raised her head.

“Hi, there, sleepy-head.”

“Mamamamama!”

“Hiya, Monkey.  Wanna make pancakes?”

Margo squealed and began clapping her hands.  Plastering on a smile, Alice pushed herself up off the floor.

Some days, it was easier to be Alice Simon than others.  Some days, she wanted to stop.  But then, cliche as it sounded Margo would laugh--or scream or cry or simply be--and she was reminded why being Alice was worth it.  

So Alice pushed herself up off the floor and went into Margo’s room, lifting her baby out of the crib, speaking to her in a silly voice, and thought that maybe pancakes would fix everything.

(And, for a moment, it felt like they did)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I should add that the second part of each chapter title is a quote from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. And I don't know who originally wrote Margo's lullaby, but we used to sing it at the overnight camp I went to as a kid.


	3. Eric | Because I am not Myself, You See

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm pretty sure this is the longest chapter. It might also be the angstiest.

It was still raining outside when Alice woke up.  It had stormed overnight, and even Alice herself had been awake when Margo started screaming around one in the morning.  She hadn’t even bothered to try to let her cry it out, immediately climbing out of bed and shuffling into Margo’s room.  Margo had been standing in her crib with Monkey clutched to her chest, wailing, and immediately reached out when Alice opened the door.

“You having a rough night, too, monkey?” she had whispered.

Margo had only continued to cry, reaching out desperately for her mother.  So Alice had scooped her up, Monkey and all, and had taken both into her room, pacing and rocking and singing until Margo finally fell back asleep.  And holding her baby to her chest, Alice too had finally slept.

She gently brushed Margo’s hair back from her face as she reached to check the time on her phone.  

_New email from S. Anderson 11:52 PM_  
_New email from E. Fitzgerald 4:09 AM_

It was 6:48 AM.  Angling her phone away from Margo so as not to wake her, Alice opened the emails.

_From: S. Anderson  To: A. Simon  CC:  E. Fitzgerald   Friday, 11:52PM_  
_Subject: Bioengineering Introduction (No pun intended)_

_Alice,_  
_We’ve locked in Dr. Eric Fitzgerald to taking over Dr. Everett’s course, but, like I thought, he won’t be able to get out here until the fifth week of the semester.  I’ve suggested that you consult on the first couple weeks of the semester so that the course doesn’t switch too much when he gets here.  I’ve CC’d him on here as a sort of introduction.  I’ve also attached Joanne's syllabus from last year here for both of your reference._  
_Dr. Fitzgerald, we’re excited to have you on the team!_  
_Scott Anderson_  
_Head of Department, Bioengineering_  
_Professor, Biology  
_ _Professor, Engineering_

Margo mumbled in her sleep and Alice pulled her close, rubbing her thumb over the girl’s arm.   _Of fucking course, it would be a Fitz-whatever_.  She was getting better, she really was.  It had been a week since she had met Leo Fitzgibbons and that had thrown her off, but _that_ was understandable.  Leo Fitz-whatever was the worst Fitz-whatever.  She would get through it.  She had every time before.  After taking a long look at her daughter, Alice opened the second email.

_From: E. Fitzgerald  To: A. Simon  Today, 4:09AM_  
_Subject: Introduction_

_Dear Dr. Simon,_  
_I had to change the subject line, the pun was too terrible, even by my standards.  Like Scott said, I’m happy to consult on those first five weeks.  I’ve been teaching just engineering the last couple of years, so I’m happy to plan things together, especially if your background is more bio-heavy.  But it’s probably best for the students if we’re on the same page._  
_Looking forward to working with you,  
_ _Eric_

Alice suppressed a groan, put her phone back on her nightstand, and, after wiping an angry tear from her eye, pulled Margo onto her chest.

“Hi, Mama.”

Alice kissed her head.

“Go back to bed, monkey.”  She ran her hand up and down Margo’s back, hoping she would just fall back asleep.  Instead, Margo crawled up her chest and placed a kiss on Alice’s mouth.

“Hi!”

Alice swallowed deeply before she let herself speak.  “Hi, baby.  Good morning!”  She knew she didn’t sound particularly happy, but hope Margo would ignore it.  Instead, Margo reached up to grab Alice’s face and, placing her palm on a tear, gasped.

“Oh, no!”  Frantically, she began kissing her mother’s face.  

For a minute, Alice let her.  That had to be somewhere on the list of reasons to have children: before they realize how much you’ve messed them up, they’re content to always provide as much comfort as they would want themselves.  So she squeezed Margo tight, content to exploit her for a little longer.

Engineering Fitz-whatever was _far_ worse than Leo Fitz-whatever.

Margo put a hand on either side of her mother’s face and pressed their noses together.  “Ouch?”

“Yeah, baby.  Ouch.”  When Margo only stared at her, Alice sighed.  “Can I tell you a secret, baby?”

Margo continued to stare.

“I miss your daddy.  A lot.”

Margo snuggled closer to her.  “Pan?”

“You want pancakes?”

Margo nodded and Alice turned so they were lying side by side.  “Do you remember why we eat pancakes, Margo?”

“Be’er!”

“That’s right!”  Alice kissed her head.  “Because pancakes make everything all better.  So, thank you, for helping Mummy.”  She smiled and tickled Margo’s sides.  “Are you hungry?”

“Yes!”

“Really hungry?”

“YES!”

Alice got on her knees and bent over Margo, kissing her belly.  “Really super hungry?”

Margo squealed in delight as Alice blew raspberries onto her stomach, the noise drawing Monster into the room to pounce on the bed beside them.  Immediately, Margo wiggled towards him and wrapped her arms around his neck.

“Monster want pan.”

Alice laughed.  “Monster wants pancakes, too?”

“Yes, mama.”

“Alright, then, let’s go!”

As they always did, they made the pancakes together.  And, as always, in that moment, pancakes made everything better.  Alice maneuvered her way around the kitchen, Margo on her hip, insisting on helping her mix all the ingredients together, dropping in too many chocolate chips into each pancake, taking the plain ones and throwing too many down on the floor for Monster.  One-handedly, Alice did her best to make Mickey-Mouse pancakes, grinning when Margo laughed hysterically at each failed one.

“Does that look like Mickey-Mouse?”

“No!”

“I think maybe it does!”

“NO!”

Two hours later, they lay together on the living room floor, still in their pajamas.

“Was that yummy, Margo?”

Margo turned to her and grinned, dried chocolate smeared all over her mouth.

“You’re rather messy, baby.”

Margo giggled, and Alice rolled over to poke her belly.

“Did you eat too much?”

“Yeah.”

“Mummy ate too much.”

Margo nodded solemnly and placed a hand on Alice’s own stomach.  “Oops?”

“‘Oops’ is right.” Alice sighed.  “I guess I know what time it is.”

“More pan?”

Alice laughed.  “I thought you were full?”

“No.”

“Well, maybe we’ll have to have pancakes again soon.  Right now, it’s time for Margo’s bath.”  

Before the words were even out of Alice’s mouth, Margo had pushed herself up and ran off, giggling and shrieking, “No Margo!”

Alice sat up.  “There’s no Margo?  Well, how can I do Margo’s bath with no Margo?”

“No Margo!”

Alice stood and began following the laughter into her own room.

“Where could she possibly be?”  A quiet giggle came from under the bed.  “Monster!  Monster, come here, boy!  Monster, have you seen Margo?”

The dog sat in front of her, staring up at her expectantly.  Alice sighed.

“I can’t believe I lost Margo.  Ellie will be so mad at me.  And Beth and Sylvie--they’ll never forgive me!”  She sat down on the floor.  “Imagine:  Margo all alone somewhere, just because she doesn’t want a bath.”  She lay down on her back and stretched an arm back over her head, hand inching under the bed.

“What’s this?” she exclaimed, feeling a small foot in her hand.

“No Margo!”

“It’s not Margo?  Well, who else can it be?”  She turned suddenly, crawling on her hands and knees until she reached the bed, and, grabbing her waist, pulled Margo out from under it.

“Well, this can’t be _my_ Margo.  My Margo doesn’t get food all over her face.”

“No, me, Mama!”

“I don’t know.  You look to messy to be my Margo.”

“Margo!”

Alice cocked her head, licked the pad of her finger, a ran it over Margo’s chin.  “Well, what do you know!  It _is_ my Margo!”

Margo giggled and grabbed Alice’s cheeks.  “Hi, Mama.”

“Hi, baby.  Ready for bathtime?”

Still giggling, Margo nodded.

On her bed, Alice’s phone beeped.

**_Ellie Adler_ ** _now  
__iMessage  
__10:30.  Look sexy.  Thank me later._

Alice groaned.  “Ellie’s gonna be the death of me, Margo.”

Margo stuck out her tongue.

“Yeah, I deserve that.  How fast of a bath do you think we can take?”

“Vroom!”

Alice kissed her forehead.  “Vroom.  That sounds about right.”

At 10:28, Alice was very glad she decided to dress herself before bathing Margo.  The front of her hair stuck damp against her cheeks, and her shirt was soaked through, but at least she was dressed, which was more than could be said for Margo.

“Vroom!”

Alice glared at the tiny wet footprints leading to the kitchen.  “Margo, you come back here and get dressed right now!”

There was a quiet gasp, a grunt as something heavy moved across the floor, a “Shhhhh!” as Monster barked, and a quiet giggle.

“Margo Aria Simon, you better not be doing what I think you’re doing.”

Margo made a noise that sounded suspiciously like “No Margo” with a full mouth before gasping again as something small fell to the floor.

Alice stepped into the kitchen and sighed.

Margo was standing on a chair, dripping wet and naked, both hands over her mouth.  The bag of chocolate chips from breakfast was on the floor, chocolate chips scattered around it.

“Hi, Mama,” Margo said, dropping her hands, and grinned a chocolatey grin.

“Margo, Margo, Margo.  What am I going to do with you?”  Shaking her head, she scooped Margo up with one arm before she could run off again, and opened the back door to let Monster out into the yard.

“You know Monster can’t eat chocolate, baby.”

“Oh, no!”  Margo frowned and looked sadly at the floor.

“Oh, he didn’t eat any, baby.  No harm, no foul, right?”

“No chips?”

“Yeah, no chocolate chips for Monster.”

“Ever?”

Alice had to bite the inside of her lip to keep from laughing at how distraught her daughter appeared.  “It’s not very fair, is it?  That Monster can never eat something so yummy?”

Margo nodded, tears welling in her eyes.

And then the doorbell rang.

“You gonna answer the door, naked baby?”

Margo just wrapped her arms around Alice’s neck, hugging her tight.

“It’s okay, baby, Monster’s not sad about it, so you shouldn’t be, either.”  Kissing Margo’s head, she opened the door.  “Sorry, she’s just a little bit naked now, and--oh.”

_Of fucking course_.

She had been expecting Ellie.  Maybe Ellie with the girls or Mike.

_Look sexy_.

She doubted soaked through t-shirt was what Ellie had in mind.  Or maybe it was exactly what she had in mind.  Making Alice open the door on a Saturday day morning for Leo _fucking_ Fitzgibbons.

_Fuck you, Eleanor Adler_.

Leo _fucking_ Fitz-whatever with a _fucking_ pie.

_Fuck_.

“I’m...I’m going to assume that Ellie did not confirm that ten-thirty was okay with you.  I’m sorry.  I’d have asked directly, but I don’t have your number and didn’t want to creep you out or anything by asking Ellie for it, and I’m sorry.”  He held out the pie.

For a moment, Alice could only stare.  Then Margo turned in her arms and reached for the pie.  Quickly, she tightened her grip around her daughter, shifting her to her hip and away from the pie.  “Aren’t I supposed to be the one with the pie?  That’s the neighborly thing, right?”

Leo shrugged.  “I felt like we got off on the wrong foot last week.  I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“Oh, no!  No, that was completely me. I...um, do you want to come in?  For tea or something?  Yeah, come in.”  She stepped back, ushering him in.  “Um, why don’t you just set that in the kitchen--anywhere’s fine--and I’m going to just finish getting Margo dressed, yeah?”

She turned to go before he could even respond.

“Alright, Monkey,” she said as soon as she had shut the door to Margo’s room.  “Time to get dressed.”

Margo grinned and shook her head.  “No.”

Alice crinkled up her nose and set her in the crib.  “No, it’s definitely time to put on clothes.”

Margo plopped down in the crib and crawled over to her blanket, which she promptly pulled over her head.  “No Margo?”

Alice laughed.  “C’mon, silly, you getting a sense of object permanence doesn’t mean I lost mine.”  She pulled the blanket off Margo’s head.

“Pee-boo!”

“Peek-a-boo!”  She tickled Margo and walked over to the dresser.  “Pink dress or yellow?”

“Lellow!”

“Yellow it is.”

Quickly as she could--which wasn’t particularly quick at all--she had Margo diapered and dressed and, letting Margo lead the way, went into the kitchen.  Leo was sitting at the table.

“Sorry, she can be a bit difficult,” Alice said, gesturing to where Margo was now crawling under the table.

“Don’t worry about it.  I don’t have kids, but rumor says they can be a handful.”

Alice laughed.  “Yeah, well, I can’t deny that.”

Margo suddenly jumped up off the ground, lucky her head didn’t quite reach the bottom of the table.  She ran to Alice and began pulling at her knees.

“Mama, mine?”

“Your what, Margo?”

“Chips!”

“Your...oh!”  She looked down at the floor by the table and quickly up at Leo.  “You cleaned up the chocolate!”

Leo flushed.  “I’m sorry--I wasn’t thinking.  I just remembered you said you had a dog and they’re just on the counter and--”

“No!  No, it’s fine.  Thank you.  You just didn’t need to do that.  God, I’m shaping up to be a terrible hostess.”

“MaMA!”

Alice lifted Margo into her arms.  “I think you’ve had enough chocolate today, monkey.”

Margo crossed her arms and pouted, remaining that way even when Alice sat down at the table.

“Really...Leo.  I’m the one who should be apologizing.  I was having an off morning and just...well, I was rude.”

Leo shook his head.  “Not at all!  I don’t blame you--coming in and seeing someone you don’t know trying to comfort your kid.”

“Oh, god, no!”  Alice could feel herself blushing.  “God, this is embarrassing.  No, I’m thankful for that, really.  They say kids get way less upset when there’s a calm adult talking to them.  I was just...distracted and upset by other things and let it carry over.  Really.  I’m sorry.”

Leo nodded, staring at his lap for a moment before smiling up at her.  “I’d apologize again, but I think it would set you off and we’d go back and forth forever.”

She bounced Margo on her lap.  “Yeah, okay.  Call it even then.”

He grinned.  “Good.  I’m glad--Um, Ellie invited me to dinner tonight, you see.  She said you all do dinner every Saturday.  The ‘Still Hip and Cool and kinda Young People on the Street’ dinner, she called it.  And I wanted to make sure that it wouldn’t upset you or make you uncomfortable or anything if I was there.”

“Oh, not at all!  Really, I’m mortified that you thought my behavior was about you.”

“I’m glad.”  He stood up and held out a hand, which she took.  “It was nice seeing you, but I’ve got some stuff to do.  I’ll see you tonight, yeah?”

Alice nodded.  “Yeah,” she said and began walking him towards the front door.  She opened it and he stepped out.  

“Later, then.”

“I don’t date.”   _Dammit_.  He turned to face her, tilting his head to the side.  “I just...I think Mike and Ellie are going to try and set us up.  I’ve not dated anyone since before Margo, you see.  So I just thought you should know.  I don’t date.”

Damn, that smile was too understanding.  “Neither do I,” he said, turning and walking down the steps.  “Bye, Margo!”

“Bye-bye!”

Alice kissed the top of Margo’s head.  “You hear that, Margo?  Mummy’s made a new friend who’s got his mind in the right place.”

Margo laughed, wiggling herself out of Alice’s arms, and darted back into the house.  With a contented sigh, Alice followed, determined to keep the rest of the day happy.

She almost succeeded.

Overall, dinner had been a lovely affair.  They had eaten in Mike and Ellie’s backyard, and the four adults were content with their second bottle of wine, watching the three girls run around with Monster, when Alice’s phone rang.  

“Ah, shit.  It’s Scott.”

Ellie raised an eyebrow.  “The hell does he want on a Saturday night?”

“Hell if I know.  Sorry, just be a sec.”

And she had excused herself into the kitchen.  It hadn’t been an important call.  In fact, it seemed quite obviously an excuse to call her.  “ _Did you get my email?_ ” “ _Did you talk with Eric?_ ” “ _Did you get a good read of him?_ ”

Opening the window and letting the breeze come in, she had answered each of his question, indulging his crush (or, rather, indulging Ellie’s suspicions of his crush).  But then the sound of her name coming in the opened window drew her attention away.

“So you went over to Alice’s this morning?” Mike was asking.

“Yeah.  I was just worried I’d upset her last week, you know?”

“That’s kind of you.  I’m sure you didn’t do anything though.  Alice is just...Alice.  We love her to pieces, she’s practically a sister to me.  But she’s been through tough stuff.”

“Oh?”

“Ellie…”

“Okay, yeah, fine, we don’t actually know.  But you can tell.”

“Margo’s dad?”

No one spoke, but Alice was sure Mike and Ellie were nodding.  Tears pricked at her eyes.

“She told me she doesn’t date.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, said she thought you were gonna try and set us up.”

Ellie laughed.  “Can you blame me?”

“I appreciate it.  But I’m not looking right now.  At least, not actively.”

“Lovely.  Neither is Alice.”

“Look, if you think she’s...fragile or whatever...I don’t want to upset her.  She seems incredibly kind.  I’m okay with letting her be.”

Again, they fell quiet.  Then Leo continued.

“Especially not if this is all about Margo’s father.  If she doesn’t date because he did something to her, I’m not going to be the one to try and force her.”

Alice brought her hand up to her mouth, willing herself not to break.

“ _Alice?  You still there?_ ”

“Yeah,” she said quietly.  “Sorry, Scott.  Can I call you tomorrow?”

“ _Oh, yeah!  Yeah, sure!_ ”

“Thanks.”  She hung up, but continued to stand there, listening to the conversation outside.

“We get that,” Mike was saying.  “Obviously, we don’t want to force her into anything.  But, look, we know nothing about what happened to her before she came to Melbourne, but I can tell you it wasn’t good.”

“She doesn’t swim, but I’ve seen her change at yoga, at various things.  Poor girl’s had the shit beat out of her.”

“And you think it was her ex?”

“Honestly, I don’t know.  But I think he either hurt her, or he’s dead.  It’s horribly sad either way.”

She couldn’t take it anymore.

“You have to stop,” she said, pushing open the door, not even bothered with being embarrassed at the hysteria building in her voice.  “You can’t keep prying like this!”

Ellie stood up, cheeks red.  “Shit, Alice.  I’m sorry, sweet--”

“That I heard?” she shouted.  On the lawn, the girls froze in their game, turning to the scene at the porch.  But Alice continued.  “You’re still saying it!  I get it!  I’m odd.  I’m the girl no one knows who showed up pregnant with no story, no nobody.  But I’m not...I _love_ him.  Okay?  Margo’s dad?   _I love him_.  And I can’t have him!  I don’t know where he is and he doesn’t know where I am, but I.  Love.  Him.”  A sob escaped her and she sat down on the ground.  She brought her hands up to her face.  “I wasn’t supposed to be this person.  I was supposed to be brilliant.  I have two doctorates!  Two!  I’ve had them since I was six-fucking-teen years old.  This isn’t my life.  For Christ’s sake, I’m Doctor Doctor Jemma Si--”

She let out a small shriek as she clasped her hands to her mouth.  For a moment, everyone stared at her in silence.

And then Margo began to cry.

“Shit!”  Alice pushed herself off the ground and ran past her friends to scoop her daughter up.  “It’s okay.  It’s okay, Margo.  Mummy’s right here.  I’m here, Margo.  I’m so, so sorry.  It’s okay.”

Margo only continued to wail, arms tightening around her mother’s neck.  Alice buried her face in Margo’s hair, swaying back and forth, saying anything she could to calm her daughter and herself.  Tear streaming down her face, she looked up and could have vomited in embarrassment at the pitiful expressions with which Mike, Ellie, and Leo looked at her.

“I’m so sorry,” she said.  “I’ve...I’ve gone and ruined a perfectly lovely night.”

“Oh, Alice!”  Ellie walked towards her and wrapped both Alice and Margo in her arms.

“I think I should go.”

“It’s alright, sweetie.”

“No, really.  Monster!  Monster, come!”  She backed out of Ellie’s embrace and went to open the gate between their yards.  “Monster!  Here, boy!”

With a low bark, Monster ran to the gate and back into their own yard.

“Goodnight.  I’ll see you all...tomorrow, I guess.”  And, quickly as she could and without looking, back, she went into her house.

Twenty minutes later, they were snuggled together in the rocking chair in Margo’s room, Margo’s face still red and eyes still glassy.  But she was smiling and giggling and reaching for the camera in Alice’s hand.

“We had a rough night tonight.  I almost ruined everything.  But we’re okay now, right, Margo?  We just thought, ‘Hmmm...maybe we’ll all sleep a little better tonight if we talk to Daddy first.’”

“Hi, Dada,” Margo added, for at least the dozenth time.

“Now it’s ‘night-night, Daddy.’”

“Moon?”

“Yeah, but say goodnight to Daddy first.”

“Night, Dada!”  Margo pulled at Alice’s wrist until the camera was close enough for her to kiss.  Alice grinned.

“Goodnight, Fitz.  I love you.”  She turned the camera off.  “Moon song?”

“Moon!”

Alice stood up, Margo in her arms and Monkey in hers, Monster watching them from his bed next to the crib.  Rocking Margo gently, Alice sang.  Again and again she sang Margo’s lullaby and willed herself not to cry until Margo had fallen asleep.

Somehow, she succeeded.

When Margo’s attempts to sing along became soft sighs of sleep, and when Monkey was in danger of being dropped to the ground, Alice lowered Margo into the crib, kissing her head gently.

“Sleep well, baby,” she whispered.  “I love you so much.”

Margo rolled onto her side and stuck her thumb in her mouth and Alice smile.  Walking to the corner, she gave Monster a scratch on the head.  

“Be a good look-out, okay?”

Stopping in her room for the baby monitor, she went and sat in the living room, picking feathers mindlessly from the couch cushions and waiting.

At 10:51, all the lights at the Adler’s went off.

At 11:15, baby monitor in hand, Alice went to go sit on her front porch.  She lay down on the swinging bench.  She stared up at the moon, hanging over Leo’s house, and hugged her knees to her chest.

“I haven’t actually talked to you without the camera yet,” she whispered into the night air.  “Two years and nearly three months and this is the first time.  So I’ve got to tell you something terribly stupid.  When we were sixteen, and my mum left me at the academy, I was a bit nervous.  I didn’t want to be, you know, because I was already the youngest one there and didn’t want to act like it.  Because I’d lived away from home before, but not far.  And my brother had been a five minute drive, so I’d never really be alone before.  And my mum told me that we were still looking at the same moon.  Of course, at the time, I thought it was stupid because obviously Earth only has one moon and, ‘Really, Mum, I’ve got two doctorates, I know there’s only one moon,’ but I think it was still nice to be reminded of that.  That when I was scared or lonely or whatever, Mum and Dad were looking up at the same moon and stars.  And I think that’s not an uncommon thing to say to your kids, you know?  So sometimes I wonder if your mum told you the same thing.  You were even younger when you went to the States, so maybe she did.  Anyway, I tell it to Margo sometimes.  That we’ve got to look at the moon and the stars, because you look at them too.  It’s a little weird, to try and work around sounding like I’m saying that you’re...I don’t know...watching over us or something.  You know, ‘surprise, Margo.  Your daddy’s Jesus.’  But I want her to feel connected with you or something.”

She bit her lip and squeezed her eyes shut.  “I must be a terrible person, but there are times I wish I was back on Maveth.  I would give _anything_ to be able to search for you and know you were searching for me.  Anything at all, except Margo, obviously.  But I think you know that.  God, you’d be so embarrassed and ashamed of me if you actually heard this, but sometimes I wonder if you can sense it at all.  I know we can’t _actually_ read each other’s minds, but when I was pregnant, or when she was born, or when I catch her sitting in my room babbling on at your picture...I hope you know how much she loves you.  She knows you love her.  You don’t even know she exists, but I know you love her and I promise, Fitz, I promise that I will never, _ever_ let her go a moment without knowing that you love her.  Whatever anyone else says.  That’s my worst fear, you know.  That’s why tonight hurt so terribly much.  Everyone thinks I’m in denial or something and that you’ve left us like some...I don’t know.  But I don’t want Margo to ever have a moment in her life that makes her wonder what I did to make her father leave her.”  She choked out a sob.  “Or, worse, what she did.  I just want her to always know how loved she is.”

Across the street, a light flicked on.  Alice squinted her eyes and watch as Leo walked into his own living room and flopped down on the couch.  Then, slowly, he sat up, ran his hands over his face, and stared straight at her through the window.  He waved.

For the first time in two years and three months, Alice didn’t want to cry alone.  So she waved back.

Leo stood up and disappeared from the window.  A couple minutes later the door opened and he stepped out, wine bottle in one hand and two glasses in the other.  Quietly, he crossed the street and stopped at her front gate.

“I had a bottle of red I was going to bring, but then Ellie said she didn't need it.  I was going to have a bit?”

Alice nodded and Leo pushed open the gate.  Wordlessly, she sat up and moved to one side so that he could sit beside her.  Neither spoke as he poured them each a glass and handed one to her.  She took a long sip.

“I guess I’m not very good at first impressions.”

“It was my fault--I shouldn’t have pried.  It was inappropriate.”

“No!  I’m secretive and sad and take it out on the only people I have.”

“Alice?”

“Yeah?”

“I won’t harp on about it.  I just...after you left, Ellie made us put our phones on the table.  Where she could see if we did anything.  She said it didn’t matter who or what you’re running from.  We won’t...Google anything you said or something.  You’re Alice.  Obviously, we don’t want you to always be Alice if that’s not what you want, but as long as you are, you are.  We won’t question it.”

Not trusting herself with a verbal response, Alice took another sip of her wine.  Again, silence fell between them.  Alice shivered in the breeze, wrapping her jacket tighter around her.  From the baby monitor, she could her Margo, her amazing, wonderful, funny, perfect Margo, breathing softly in her sleep.  She could feel Leo beside her, a good, kind man, more kind to her than she deserved and still all wrong.  Leo who seemed kind and funny and a bit awkward and wasn’t her Leo.

(She could almost laugh, though, knowing how angry her Leo would be if he knew she had ever thought of him as her Leo)

She finished her wine, resting the glass between her legs, and tried to think of something to say.

“I was supposed to get married today.”

Alice immediately snapped her head to the side, staring at Leo with wide eyes.  He wasn’t looking at her.  Instead, he was staring straight ahead, an angry sort of smile taking over his face.

“Olivia.  That was her name.  She was English, too.  A southerner, though.”

“Soft southerners.”

Leo snorted and reached for the bottle of wine.  “Another?” he asked.

Alice nodded.

“I’d have taken soft.  She was...well, she was Olivia.  I loved her.  Still do, I guess.  And we were supposed to get married today.  I was living in London before here.  She was a big cosmopolitan girl.  Loved the city.  We had a little flat right in central London.  Anyway, I’d gone up to Edinburgh for my sister’s birthday.  Livie couldn’t make it, had too much work or what-not.  So I go back home for my sister’s birthday and she announces she’s pregnant and it’s all very exciting and nice, but there’s no booze and the party ended earlier than I’d expected and I realized I could still catch a train back to London, be back probably before one so Livie wouldn’t have to be alone and, well, you know where this is going.”

Alice nodded.  “I’m sorry.”

Leo shrugged.  “It wasn’t so bad, actually.  I guess maybe I had had, I don’t know, subconscious suspicions or something.  It was my best mate she was with, though, and that’s what really stung.”

“I’m sorry,” Alice said again, not knowing what more could be said.

“Look, Alice, I’m not here fishing for sympathy or something.  I just want you to know that earlier, when I said I don’t date either, I meant it.  I’m not just saying it so I can get close with you and then spring it on you.  I’m just in a new place, starting completely over again.  And I get it.  You didn’t chose this.  At least I don’t think you did.  And I did.  And I know that this marks, what?  My fourth conversation with you ever?  But you seem like someone who deserves to be happy.”

She bit down hard on her lower lip.  ‘Thank you,’ she knew, would have been sufficient.  But instead, she said, “His name was Leo.  Leopold Fitz.”

She could feel this Leo, the wrong Leo, nod beside her.  “Ah.  Yeah, that explains things a bit.  A Scotsman, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“And Mike told you there was a Scottish bloke called Leo Fitzgibbons across the street and you thought maybe it was Leo Fitzgibbons the same way you’re Alice Simon.”

She bit her lip, nodding, sure this time that, if she spoke, she would break.  Beside her, Leo shifted and held one arm hovering over her shoulder.

“Is this okay?” he asked.

In lieu of a response, she turned at let herself sag against him.  To his credit it, he only hesitated for a moment before wrapping both arms around her and pulling her close.  His hand moved in a large circle over her back and it was all wrong, so very wrong.  This wasn’t how she was supposed to be held, this wasn’t how she was supposed to be comforted.  But it was all she had and she would accept it.

When the tears finally subsided, she allowed herself to sit up tall and poured another glass of wine.  

“They’re bringing a new bloke to the department.  Eric Fitzgerald.”

“Scottish?”

She shook her head.  “Well, I don’t know, really.  He’s in Berlin now.  But my Fitz doesn’t speak German.  I just…I don’t know if I can do it again.  Have it not be him.”

Leo nodded.  “Does he call himself Fitzgerald?”

“Eric.”

“Then let him be Eric.  Don’t think about him as Fitzgerald.  Just Eric.”

“Easier said than done.”

“I know.”

Silence fell again and Alice tilted her head up towards the sky, her breaths leaving her in sharp gasps.

“I wasn’t lying,” she finally said, ignoring the hoarseness of her voice.  “I really did have two doctorates by the time I was sixteen.  So my parents sent me to this special advanced institute type thing where I might actually learn something new.  I was the youngest person there--I’d beaten him by twenty-three days.  He was my best friend in the whole world.  My only friend for a long time--it’s hard making friends, you know, when you’re working on graduate school applications while everyone else is still learning long division.  I don’t really remember when I fell in love with him, to be honest.  I just...he told me he loved me and I was more scared then than I’ve ever been in my whole life.  I mean, that could have been because we were about to die, but the idea that I could have a life with him...or worse, that something might happen and I’d have to live a life without him.  It took us far longer than I’d like to admit to finally work things out.  But we did.  We were happy.  I used to tease him that we had wasted too much time not being together, but I guess I was right.  We weren’t even together for a year.”

She sighed and surprised herself by dropping her head back to his shoulder.  “I was wrong to get so angry at you guys.  Everything you all think and wonder about me, it all makes sense.  I get it.  Sometimes I think that would be easier than knowing that he’s out there somewhere, still loving me.  But that doesn’t change the fact that he is.  See, I didn’t know I was pregnant with Margo until after I got here.  So he doesn’t have a clue that she even exists.  But I’m just so scared that one day she’ll hear someone say something like that...that her father’s either got to be dead or bad.  That we’re hiding here _from_ him.  And I’m scared that she won’t believe me when I tell her he loves her, because really she’s got no reason to.  It’s my biggest fear, actually.  Worse than even never seeing him again.  For her sake,  I think, I’d rather never see him again, but to have her know he would be here if he could, than for her to meet him one day and hate him for leaving us.”

And then, without warning, she was laughing.

“I have no idea why I’m telling you all this.  I’ve never even _hinted_ at this to Ellie.  Oh, my god, you must think I’m completely mad!”  She leaned forward, half laughing-half crying, and rested her forehead on her knees.  “Shit, I’m sorry.”

Leo squeezed her shoulder.  “I barely know you.”

“Exactly.  This is wildly inappropriate.”

“No!  That’s not what I meant!  Shit, I’m bad at these things.”  He tilted his head back and sighed.  “Even though you wish you were someone else, you still like what you’ve done with your life.  You, um, you like being friends with Ellie and Mike, you like that they like you.  You don’t want them to think differently of you.”

“That sounds childish.”

“Not really, I don’t think.  Just...I don’t know enough about you to think differently about you for knowing this.  You don’t care what I think about you.”

“No!”

“Sorry, not like that.  Just, like Ellie said, you’re their family.  You don’t want them pitying you or thinking differently of you, or anything that could change your relationship.  You love them and, well, frankly, you hate me.”

Alice’s head shot up.  “That’s ridiculous, I don’t hate you!”

“No, you do and that’s okay.  Really, Alice.  You might not really realize it, but I’m going to guess, based on the look on your face when we met, that it was the first time in a long time where you genuinely thought that maybe it was him.  Your Leo.”

“Fitz,” she corrected without meaning to.  “He hated--hates his name.”

“Right.  Your Fitz.  So maybe you don’t hate me, necessarily.  But you hate me for giving you hope and for not being him.”

Alice let out a cold laugh.  “You make me sound rather horrible, you know?”

“I don’t think so.  Just...I don’t know?  Is it cliche to say lost?”

Alice rolled her eyes.  “I’m an English genius living in Australia under an assumed identity with a baby whose father I loved in my old life but will never see again.  I think all the rest of the cliches are to be expected at this point.”  She looked at her watch and sighed.  “I should go back inside.  It’s nearly one and Margo’s normally up before seven.”

Leo nodded.  “Can I ask you just one question first?”

“Sure."

“Is this Wonderland?”

She stared at him for a moment, confused by his question.  And then, when it hit her, burst out into laughter.

“I hadn’t even thought of that!”

“Really?”

“No!  My dad’s an English professor--absolutely obsessed with Wonderland, nearly called me Alice for real, but they got a dog before they got a daughter.  It’s been more than two years and I fell down the rabbit hole without even realizing it.”

“Yeah, well, it makes sense.”  He smiled.  “I’ve only been here a week and, without a doubt, everyone’s mad here.”  He stood, taking both wine glasses and the bottle.  “Well, goodnight, Alice.”

“Goodnight, Leo.  And thank you.”

“You as well.  Sleep well, Alice.”

“Yeah.”

And maybe it was the wine.

Or maybe it feeling less chained, even just slightly so, by the constant weight she carried that was Doctor Doctor Jemma Simmons.

But she was asleep before her head hit her pillow, and slept dreamlessly until Monster licked her cheek and the baby monitor played Margo’s happy morning laughter and Ellie’s voice called from the kitchen, “I broke into your house to make you breakfast!”


	4. Fitz | Back to Yesterday

_From: A. Simon  To: E. Fitzgerald   Monday, 8:02AM_  
_Subject: A New Thread_

_Morning, Eric!_

_(I know midnight is more night, but it’s technically morning and it’s morning here)_  
_I had to start a new thread.  The repetitions of “Re:re:re:re” and so on were stressing me.  Anyway, Exam #1 is over and done.  Marks were pleasingly high, but I’m scanned a few for you and have attached them here if you want to check them out.  What time does your flight get in Friday?  Obviously, I don’t expect you to come to campus, even if you get in in the morning, but maybe we can time a phone call or meet for coffee over the weekend--make the transition as smooth  as possible._  
_Also (and I know for a fact Scott already told you and I’m only repeating it because he asked me to but), a bunch of the different STEM departments do drinks every third Friday.  It’s a nice time.  Anyway, Scott will keep bugging you, but I moved here from the States, so I’ll vouch for you if you want to sleep off the jetlag.  Still, I’ve attached the flyer._

_See you next week!_  
_Alice_

  
_From: E. Fitzgerald  To A. Simon   Monday 4:28PM_  
_Subject: Re: A New Thread_

_Alice,_

_If you’re really such a morning person, by all means, keep the 10:30 section.  I’ve got a couple showings on my apartment today, but I’ll look over the exams after that._  
_And, Scott may have mentioned the STEM drinks two or ten times.  Right now, I’m landing at noon, so I’ll try and rally, but otherwise coffee or something Saturday or Sunday is fine with me--you can tell me the best places around the university to get a good coffee.  Though, if I had known you weren’t Australian, I might have found a better contact._  
_If it’s not too intrusive, what brought you to Melbourne?_

_Eric_  
  


_From: A. Simon  To: E. Fitzgerald   Monday, 8:02AM_  
_Subject: Re:re: A New Thread_

_For your information, Dr. Fitzgerald, I am a superb judge of caffeine in any country._  
_I have been in Melbourne for a little under two and half years--came here to work at the university--so I know my way around the coffee shops.  And get all my recommendations from Ellie Adler.  She got her degree here and now teaches plant sciences._  
_What about you?  I imagine Berlin is wonderful._

_Alice_  
  


“That’s flirting.”

Rolling her eyes, Alice held out her hand in a silent demand that Ellie return her phone.  “That is _not_ flirting.  That’s being polite to a future colleague!”

“For all you know, hon, he could be a serial killer.  Or eighty.  And you’re flirting.”

“I am absolutely not!”

Mike snorted.  “With zero ulterior motive, Al, that’s flirting.”

“Leo?”

“Sorry, Alice.”

Ellie grinned triumphantly.  “I’m always right about these things, Alice.  You should know that by now.  Margo, sweetie!”  She scooped up Margo as she came running by behind Beth and Sylvie.  “Margo, tell your mum to stop being such an obvious flirt!”

“Stop, Mama!”  Margo giggled as Ellie kissed her nose and sat her back down.

“That was a low blow.”

“Margo is far cuter and more convincing than any of us we’ll ever be.”

“Only because you didn’t take off your shirt.”

Ellie leaned over a smacked her husband’s shoulder with one hand, Alice’s phone still clutched in the other.

Again, Alice rolled her eyes.  “I hate you all.  But give me my mobile.  I’ll rewrite it.”

“Oops.  Too late!”

“ _Eleanor!_ ”  She reached forward and Ellie yelped and tossed the phone to Leo.

“‘For your information, _Dr. Fitzgerald_ ,’” he read in voice suited for a low-budget porno, “‘I am a _superb_ judge of--’”

Mike snatched the phone out of his hands.  “Bloody fuck, Fitzgibbons, there are _children_ here.”

“And,”   Alice put her hands on her hips. “I sound _nothing_ like that!”

“With enough alcohol…”

“Shut it, Ellie.”  

Alice leaned back in her chair, letting the sun beat down on her face.  “It’s too bloody cold for July.”

Leo hummed in agreement, but both Adlers snorted.

“Did you hear that, Mike?”

“Nope.  Must be stuck in the wrong hemisphere.”

Alice brought up her hand to block the sun from her eyes.  “That’s not even funny.”

They were sitting in Alice’s backyard, watching the sunset over a bottle of wine as the girls ran around on the lawn, bundled up in their scarves and jackets, with Monster chasing after them.  It had been four weeks since Alice had found herself hopelessly broken in the Adlers’ yard, four weeks since she had sat on her porch until one in the morning, drinking with Leo.

Four weeks since she had wished that she was strong enough to keep a promise made so long ago.

It wasn’t that she liked Leo.

But she could.

In another life, she could have asked him out to drinks or coffee.  In another life, she might have smiled when her daughter was excited to see him.  But, as dear of a friend as he had become over the last month, he was right: wrong or right, she hated him.

“Oh!” Mike jumped up, drawing the attention of the adults and children alike.  “He responded!  Alice’s German beau responded!”

Alice flipped him off.  “He’s not my _beau_!  Who are you?  Rhett Butler?  And don’t read my emails!”

“Oh!” Mike’s face fell.  “Well, that’s a downer.”

Alice, Ellie, and Leo all stared at him.

“Are you going to tell us or…?”

“His fiancee wanted to see the world.  ‘Wanted,’ not wants.”

“Oh.”  Alice frown and took her phone back from Mike.  “That’s rather horrible, isn’t it?”  She glanced down at the email.

_  
Berlin’s nice and all, but I’ve been here a while.  My fiancee always wanted to see the world.  Job came up in Australia and I figured there was no reason not to._

  
She looked up at Mike.  “That’s rather ambiguous, I think.  I mean, she could be dead, but he could also just be using past tense for...oh, I don’t know.”

Mike was about to respond with Beth came running over and threw herself over his knees.

“Daddy, I’m hungry.”

Mike looked down at his watch.  “Well, it seems like grown-up juice time is over!”

Alice and Ellie rolled their eyes.

“Remind me why I married this thing?” Ellie asked, winking conspiratorially at Alice.  “Sylvie, say goodbye to Margo.”  

Sylvie stopped running at her name, causing Margo to run right into her.  Both girls tumbled to the ground, giggling hysterically as Monster trotted over and began licking their faces.  Ellie shook her head.

“C’mon, Miss Giggles, time to go.”

“No!”  Sylvie shrieked and ran behind Monster.

“Uh-oh!  No Sylvie!”

Alice laughed and stood up.  “Well, if there’s no Sylvie, then I guess Margo has to go inside and take her bath.”

Immediately, Margo darted around Monster and through her arms around Sylvie.  “Sylvie!”

“You found her!  Thank you, Margo!”  Ellie walked over to the girls and squatted down.  “Give Margo a kiss, Sylv.”

Sylvie wrapped her arms around Margo and pressed her mouth against Margo’s cheek.  Margo squealed and wrapped her arms tightly around Sylvie.

“BYE BYE BYE BYE BYE!”

Ellie laughed and bent down to picked up her daughter and kiss Margo’s head.  “Bye, munchkin.  See you tomorrow!”  She turned to Alice and added, “Try to not sound _too_ flirty when talking to Herr Downer.”

Alice rolled her eyes.  “Goodbye, Eleanor.”

Ellie blew her a kiss as she balanced Sylvie on her hip and followed Mike and Beth through the gate.  Alice turned to Leo, who was collecting wine glasses from the table.  “Don’t worry about it.  I’ll let you out through the front.”

As expected, he didn’t listen.

“So,” he began, setting the glasses down in her sink, “Scott.”  He leaned back on her counter, balanced on his elbows.

Alice sighed and set down Margo, who immediately ran towards her room with a, “Here, Monster!”

“Ellie’s a terrible gossip.”

Leo laughed.  “Oh, come on.  You tell me about sexy Scott, department head, and I’ll tell you about sexy Sue in marketing.”

Alice raised an eyebrow.  “There’s a sexy Sue in marketing?”

“Well, her name’s actually Jen, but I wanted the alliteration to work.”

“Dear lord, man, Ellie’s been a terrible influence on you.”

“Yeah, well, her name’s Jen, she’s in marketing, she’s funny and nice, and I’m the second most attractive guy there.”

“The second?”

“Yeah.  Somehow Greg in accounting has me beat, but I’ve got the Scottish accent.  I’ve been told that women are into that.”  From her bedroom, Margo shrieked in laughter.  “Case in point.”

Alice leaned her head against a cabinet.  “Remind me why I tell you anything?”

Leo shrugged.  “I ply you with alcohol?  And someone’s got to get mad when people call your daughter English.”

Alice laughed.  “Well, her dad appreciates it.”

“Gotta look out for my fellow countrymen.”

Hopping up on the counter, Alice grinned.  “You remind me of him, sometimes.  In some way, not at all.  But in others...well, I think he’d like you.”

“I’d like to meet him one day.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.  Someone’s genes had to have made Margo decent.”

She flung a roll of paper towels at him.

“That was inappropriate, Alice.  Do you want Margo to grow up believing that violence is the answer?”

“What did I do in my life that was so horrible to deserve you?”

“Well, you slept with a Scotsman at some point--okay, okay! I’m done!”  He held up his hands as she took of her shoe and aimed it at him.  “I will stop being a rude and despicable human being-- _if_ you tell me about Scott.”

“Ugh.”  Alice tilted her head back and sighed.  “He asked me to drinks on Thursday.  I mean, I knew it was coming, but still.  He’s head of my department.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s gotta break some kind of code.”

“Honestly, I barely read all that shit when I signed the contract.”

“So, this is your own fault then?”

“ _Leo_.”

“Right.  So, what did you say?”

“I haven’t.  I told him I had to check my schedule.”

“Yikes. Well, I’ll tell you what.  You go out with Scott, I’ll go out with Jen.”

“But--”

“No, no, no.  We need this.  I’ve gone two months without any, and I’m going to assume the last time you got any was at the conception of your almost two year old.  So, unless you want to pretend we’re in a bad eighties movie and make a pact--”

“That’s disgusting.”

“You see my point, then?”

Alice sighed.  “Fine!  One drink.”

Before Leo could respond, Margo came running back into the kitchen, camera in one hand and Fitz’s picture in the other.  Alice gasped.

“Margo!  Were you in Mummy’s room?”

“Story!”

Alice stepped forward to grab her, but Margo darted behind Leo’s legs.  “Margo, we have a guest.  We’ll tell a story when Leo leaves.”

Leo swallowed and nodded.  “Come on, lassie.”  He scooped her up.  “Blerg--that sounds very awkward, yeah?”

Margo nodded.

“Well, someone needs to acknowledge that you are not as English as your mummy is.”

Alice rolled her eyes, but smiled, and held out her hands for Margo, who shoved her father’s picture upwards towards Leo’s face.

“Dada!”

Alice bit the inside of her lip, feeling the tears well in her eyes.  But Leo grinned down at Margo.

“Is that your daddy?”

Margo nodded and gave the picture a kiss.

“Yeah, I can tell.  You know, Margo, you look just like your daddy.  Got his eyes.”  He looked up at Alice, who had her lower lip between her teeth.  “Is that okay?”

She nodded and held out her arms.

He kissed Margo’s head.  “Go on, then.  I’ll see you both later on.  Alice, good luck with Scott.  Margo, tell your mum a silly story, okay?”

“YES!”

Leo laughed as her transferred Margo to her mother’s arms.  “You’ll give me a call if you need anything, yeah?”

Alice nodded and brushed Margo’s hair back, kissing the top of her head.

“And don’t be too sad.  You’ve got a pretty amazing girl here.  And I normally H-A-T-E kids.”

Alice laughed.  “Thank you,” she said, as Margo began to all but smack the tears off her face.  “And good luck with Jen.”

Leo winked and left the room.  A couple of seconds later, the front door opened and shut, and they were alone.  

“So,” Alice said, grabbing Margo’s hand before it could return to her face and kissing it.  “What kind of story are we telling Daddy?”

Margo roared.

  
_From: A. Simon   To: E. Fitzgerald  Monday 9:34 PM_  
_Subject: Re:re:re:re: A New Thread_

_I understand that.  Mine used to get annoyed with me dragging him everywhere, but, in the end, I think he loved it as much as I did._

_Until Friday, then._  
_Alice_  
  


_From: A. Simon   To: S. Anderson  Monday 9:41PM  
Subject: Thursday _

_Hi Scott,_

_I’ve got to proctor a make-up exam on Thursday, but that should be done by 7.  Ellie can watch Margo.  Where were you thinking?_

_Alice_

_****  
**Leo Fitzgibbons** 7:03AM_  
_iMessage to your group_  
_HAPPY THURSDAY_

_**Alice Simon** 10:32PM_  
_iMessage to your group_  
_Getting in the car.  Home in 20.  Someone please have booze.  Ellie--can you get M ready for bed?_

_**Alice Simon** 10:33PM_  
_iMessage to your group_  
_Also, Leo--do you still have that tequila?_  
  


When she got to the red light ten minutes from her house, Alice banged her head down on the steering wheel.  Really, she should have expected that going out for a drink with the head of her department would not end well.  

She had tried not to think too much of it when he met her outside the bar and kissed her cheek.

Or when had led her into the bar with a hand on the small or her back.

Or when he left his hand on the table the whole evening, waiting for her to put her own anywhere but her lap.

It wasn’t that Alice didn’t like Scott.  She did.  He was smart and nice and attractive.  A good conversationalist, just as happy to hear her talk about her own life as he was to talk about his.

But he looked at her like he already loved her, and it made her stomach churned.

So when he asked how Margo was, if she could pronounce her Ks yet (“We’re working on it”), if she was tall for her age (“Short, actually”), Alice was acutely aware that this was not a place she wanted to be.

But when he had squeezed her hand as he walked her to her car, she had smiled, because it wasn’t his fault.  

When he said, “I’m glad you came.  I had a nice night,” she grinned and said, “Me, too.”

And when he leaned in a pressed his lips to her, she had froze, because it had been two years and four months since someone had kissed her and it felt so wrong.

“I’m sorry, what?”  Ellie grabbed the bottle of tequila and refilled everyone’s glass.

“He kissed me.”

“So...what did you do?”

“I just stood there.”

Ellie rolled her eyes.  “Well, that’s a blatant lie, otherwise you’d still be there.”

Alice sighed and took her shot.  “I told him that Margo was probably worrying about me.”  She motioned for someone to refill her drink.

The others immediately began to howl with laughter.

“Oh, will you shut it!  You’ll wake the kids?”

Mike shook his head.  “Wake the kids?  Alice, you told a man kissing you that your _baby_ will worry about you if you’re out too late.”

Alice sighed again.  They were right.  It was one of her more pathetic excuses.  After all, Margo hadn’t even been awake when she had gotten back.  She had been curled up next to Beth on the mattress on the floor of Beth and Sylvie’s playroom, Monkey in her arms.  All three girls had been fast asleep.  

“Look,” she said, grabbing the tequila bottle herself and refilling her glass.  “I’m not looking to fall in love right now.  I’ve got zero desire to do anything--”

“Except get laid.”

“Or a better vibrator.”

Alice glared at the Adlers.  “I can take care of myself just fine, thank you very much.”

Leo groaned and stretched out on the couch.  “Why am I here?  What kind of sick, horrible deity destined me to befriend you horrid perverts?”

Alice swatted at him, but Ellie grabbed her wrist before she made contact.  “Oh, sweetie.”

“What?”

“Your face.”

“I have a lovely face, thanks.”

“How long has it been?”

“I’m sorry?”

“Alice…”

“We’ve established this.”

Mike’s face turned red with stifled laughter as he slid off his chair and leaned against Leo, who had his hands over his face.

“No, sweetie,” Ellie continued.  “We’ve established how long it’s been since someone _else_ got you off.”

“God, I’m not drunk enough for this.”  Alice grabbed her glass.  “I’ve gotten off since...well, _since_.”

Ellie stared at her, but before she could respond, there was a soft pattering of footsteps from the hallway.

“Mama!”

Alice set down the still full glass and walked over to pick up Margo, who immediately closed her eyes, stuck her thumb in her mouth, and wrapped the arm that wasn’t holding Monkey around her mother’s neck.  

“Hi, baby,” Alice whispered.  “Go back to sleep.”  She shifted Margo in her arms so Monkey was wedged between them and began rocking her gently.  “This is my cue to stop drinking and talking about...that.”

Ellie nodded as the men worked to compose themselves.  “Let me get her bag.”  She disappeared down the hall a returned a minute later with Margo’s diaper bag and slipped it over Alice’s shoulder.  “I’m leaving around ten tomorrow morning, you want a ride?”

“Yeah, that would be great, thanks.”

“And the department drinks?”

Alice groaned internally.  “Yeah, we’ll see.  I might never be able to look Scott in the eye again.”

“Oh, come on,” Mike said.  “Leo and I have been looking forward to Blokes and Babies Night all week.”  

“We’ll see.”  She turned towards the front door.  “Thanks for the drinks, I needed it.”

“Night, Alice.”

“Night, Al!”

“Do you need fresh batteries?”

She glared at Leo and flipped him off behind Margo’s head.  

_  
From: E. Fitzgerald  To: A. Simon  Friday 1:09PM  
_ _Subject: (I took out the Re’s)_

_I still haven’t decided if I’m coming tonight (how much of a first impression do I need to make on Scott?), but I thought I would let you know that I’ve finally landed in Melbourne.  Also, they tell you your whole life in school that, in the southern hemisphere, the seasons are reverse, but still.  I’m completely unprepared for this kind of weather in August._

_Eric_  
  


_**Ellie Adler** 7:02PM_  
_iMessage_  
_Heading to drinks.  You coming?_

_**Alice Simon** 7:02PM_  
_iMessage_  
_What will you do if I don’t?_

_**Ellie Adler** 7:03PM_  
_iMessage_  
_Probably photoshop you nude and send it to Scott_

_**Alice Simon** 7:06PM_  
_iMessage_  
_I’ll take a cab and meet you there, but I’ll pop in_

_**Ellie Adler** 7:26PM_  
_iMessage_  
_YOUR ERIC FITZGERALD IS HERE_

_**Ellie Adler** 7:26PM_  
_iMessage_  
_He is neither 80 nor a serial killer I think_

_**Ellie Adler** 7:26PM_  
_iMessage_  
_Not too bad_

_**Ellie Adler** 7:26PM_  
_iMessage_  
_Ok, hot_

_**Ellie Adler** 7:27PM_  
_iMessage_  
_Alice_

_**Ellie Adler** 7:27PM_  
_iMessage_  
_Repondez s’il vous plait_

_**Ellie Adler** 7:29PM_  
_iMessage_  
_Alice I’m this close to assuming you’re dead.  Hurry the fuck up he says he can’t stay long_  
  


Alice rolled her eyes and slipped her phone back in her bag.  She thanked her cabbie as he handed her her change and stared at the bar entrance.  7:30 on the dot.  By 7:35, she would be waiting for another cab.  She was sure of it.  In and out.  She had even had to stop herself from making a physical list earlier.

  1. Enter the bar
  2. Avoid eye contact with Scott
  3. Find Ellie
  4. Say hello to Eric
  5. Leave without Scott ever knowing she was there



Maybe 7:36, and certainly no later than 7:40.  To hell with Blokes and Babies Night--she just wanted to get home, curl up on the couch with Margo and Monster, and sleep until one or the other got hungry.  


_**Ellie Adler** 7:30PM_  
_iMessage_  
_Running up to the bar, but we’re at the booth in the back right corner_  
  


With a deep breath, Alice walked into the bar.  Keeping her head down, she walked straight towards the back, turned right, and slipped into the corner booth.

“So sorry I’m late--I always have the absolute worst luck with getting a cab!”  She looked up with a grin and froze.

He stared back, mouth agape, with big, blue eyes she saw every time she shut her own, every time she cried.  Every time she kissed her daughter good morning and goodnight.  The same big, blue, inquisitive eyes as her daughter.  As their daughter.

Her mind flooded in a cacophony of sound as they stared at each other in silence.

_I am here                                                                                                                                                                                                I_ _am here_

_With you_ _With you_

_You’re here_ _You’re here_

She looked away.

“Please.”

She shook her head.

“Just look at me.”

“If I look at you, I’ll have to kiss you.  And that would be very odd to explain to Ellie.”

“Oh.  Okay, then.”

Still, she managed to look up.

_You’re…?_

_Yeah_

_Should I?_

_Do you want to?_

_Yes._

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

“Oh, Alice!  You’re here, thank god!”  Ellie sat down beside her and handed her one of the bottles in her hand.  “I went ahead and got you a beer.”

She tore her eyes away from him to look at Ellie.  “Sorry, El.  I’ve got to go.”

“Don’t be ridiculous!  You just got here.  It would be a waste of money to call a cab so soon.”

“I could drive you.”

Ellie looked at him with a raised brow.

“I’m exhausted--was about to leave anyway.  I’ve got a rental car parked two streets down.  I could drive you.”

Ellie turned back to her.  “Really, I don’t think Scott’s even noticed you yet.”

“And I’d like to keep it that way.  Oh!  It looks like Rachel’s back from maternity leave!”

Ellie sighed, but kissed her cheek and stood to let her out of the booth.  “Fine.  Go wallow.  Get a good night’s sleep, though, yeah?  Are you going to yoga tomorrow?”

“I’ll text you.”

“Great.  Nice meeting you, Eric.  I’ll see you next week.”

“Yeah, definitely.”

She turned to leave the bar, feeling him following quickly behind her.  “Left or right,” she asked as they neared the door.

“Left.”

She turned left as soon as she was outside and began walking as quickly as she could.  As soon as they cross the first street, he grabbed her arm and pulled her against him as he leaned against a closed shop window.  Bursting into tears, she kissed his lips, his cheeks, his forehead, his nose, every bit of him she could reach.  Tangling her fingers in his hair, she buried her face in the crook of his neck.

“Hi,” she repeated.

Fitz cupped her cheeks and whispered, “Jemma.”

And nothing else mattered.


	5. Jemma | I Was a Different Person Then

“You don’t speak German,” she heard herself whisper as Fitz kissed her neck.

“They had me in Canada for a bit.  Montreal--not that I speak any French.  But after about a year, they moved me to Berlin.”  He returned to kissing her.

She grinned into his kiss.

This was how it should be.  This was how she needed it to be.  Jemma and Fitz.  Fitz and Jemma.  Fitzsimmons.  She grinned again and let out an involuntary moan as Fitz spun them around and lifted her, pinning her against the wall.

“I missed you.”

“I missed you.  I love you. I--”  She broke off, placing her hands on his chest.  

God, she was a horrible person.  For a moment, she had let herself forget.  For a moment, Alice Simon and all that came with her ceased to exist and she was just Jemma Simmons kissing Leo Fitz and the past two years were pushed from her mind.  She could feel the tears leaking from eyes.

Just as much as she wished the past two and a half years had never happened, she loved them for being the best thing in her life.  

She had dreamt of this moment hundreds of thousands of times, yet now that it was happening, she wasn’t even sure where to start.  Her hand slipped from his arm down to hold his hand and her bag fell off her shoulder.  “Oh!”  She looked down at it quickly before looking back at him.  “Do you have your laptop?”

He stared.  “Yeah, it’s in the car.”

“Okay.  Lead the way.”

Taking her hand, he walked to the car, opening up the door for her and kissing her hand as he released it.

“Jemma,” he said softly, as though he could never say it enough.  He shut the door behind her and, stopping to grab his laptop from the backseat, slipped in through the driver’s door and handed her the computer.

“Are we staying here?”

She shook her head.  “There’s a park about ten minutes from here.  We can park there.”

He raised an eyebrow.  “Like naughty teenagers?”

“Yes, Fitz,” she smiled, though her voice broke.  “Like naughty teenagers.”

They drove in almost silence, punctuated only by Jemma’s whispers of “right” and “left.”  When they parked, she reached into her bag and pulled out a flash drive.  She held it tightly in her hand.

“You said you had a fiancee who loved to travel,” she said softly.

Fitz grinned.  “I did.”

“If I recall correctly, I didn’t say yes.”

He laughed.  “You took the ring, though.  And, if _I_ recall correctly, the mind-blowing sex was all the yes I needed.”

“You were crying the whole time.”

“So were you.”

Jemma laughed.  “It was great sex.”  She looked down at her lap, twiddling the flash-drive in her fingers.  “I didn’t keep my promise, Fitz,” she said softly.  “I mean, obviously, I still love you.  Completely.  But I’ve been on one date.  And it was last night.  And it was Scott.”

Fitz’s eyes widened in surprise.  “ _Scott_ Scott?”

“Yes, and it was awful and I went home and got tequila drunk.  Or intended to, at least.”

Fitz laughed and took her free hand, kissing each knuckle.  “Well, I didn’t go on any the first year.  Went on two last year though.  Helene.  We worked together and I’m ninety-nine percent sure it was a pity date on her part.  I invited her up for a drink, and had left your picture out.  It wasn’t intentional, but probably subconscious.  See, we had been friends at work, and had gone out for drinks in groups.  I think maybe she thought I was serious, though I guess that contradicts the pity-date thing.  Anyway, she was pissed.  That was...maybe three months ago?”  He turned her hand over and kissed her palm.  “It doesn’t matter now.”

Jemma ran her hand over her cheek.  “I tried to be happy, though.  I succeeded most days.  And I want to just say it but I can’t!”  She was crying again, her tears only growing more intense when he pulled her to him.  “I just...I never thought I could love you more than I did, but I do, I don’t care that it sounds cheesy.  Every day, I love you more and it hurts more and please!”  She handed him his laptop and the flash drive.  “Please.”

He took them and, before he could reach out to wrap her in his arms, she leaned against the door, unable to watch her worlds merge.

Two years and four months, she had waited for this moment, yet that didn’t stop the nausea bubbling inside her.  She shut her eyes and listened as Fitz turned on his computer and opened the first file.

“There’s a lot, I’ll show you the important ones for now,” she managed to say before her own voice flowed from the speakers.

_“I saw this when I went to the store for, um, other reasons.  I really want to tell you, but I think I’ll wait.  Maybe tomorrow.  I’d want to be sure it’s real.  Anyway, I found this...I don’t even know...is it technically a camcorder?  It...um, it seemed to be what I needed…_

_“It’s been two weeks, Fitz.  And I hate keeping secrets from you.  But I’ve got to tell you now because I’ve decided to keep it.  Decided’s a weird word.  I don’t think anything else was ever an option.  I’m pregnant.  I’m pregnant and you’re not here and it’s wrong, Fitz.  It feels so wrong to have your baby without you knowing about it.  But I think you’d agree with me.  If there was anyway you could have a living, breathing, proof that I have existed and loved you, I think you want want it.  So even if no one else knows, I need this baby because I am so fucking scared that one, I will wake up and wonder if you were ever more than a dream…_

_“My jeans are too tight, so fuck you for that.  They were bloody expensive…_

_“I think I made a mistake, Fitz.  I can’t do this without you…_

_“I thought of making some sort of scene or something, so that they’d have to remove me and recreate me again.  I like being Alice some days, but I want to think that, if they knew about the baby, they’d let me be with you.  Of course, the only thing that would be worse than things as they are would be if I knew that they knew and did nothing…_

_“I’ve spent months, Fitz, being upset at not having my best friend here.  Because for months, the idea of sex has nauseated me.  But now I am beyond horny and my fucking stomach is in the way of everything and this is the first time that I’ve missed sex with you more than actually just you…_  
_...that’s a lie.  I’d still take you and no sex.  But I really,_ really _could use sex…_

_“First of all, I know I don’t have a shirt on, but I was going to show you how big I’ve gotten, and then I started crying and now I’m lying on the couch and really don’t want to move.  I’ve only got three more weeks left.  I think I’d actually commit murder for you to be here…_

_“I didn’t bring the camera to the hospital.  I wasn’t...quite in my right mind.  Mike had to take me...I barely wanted to go.  But she’s here, Fitz.  And she’s so, so beautiful.  You can’t tell now, because they’re shut, but she has your eyes.  It’s...well, hard to look at sometimes.  She looks so much like you.  Oh!  She’s up now.  Margo...Margo, say ‘hello’ to your daddy.  He loves you very, very much, you know.  I called her Margo.  I was going to call her Margaret, for your grandmother, but I knew I’d end up calling her Peggy and Daisy would never let me hear the end of naming my child after Peggy Carter.  And my family just does things with initials anyway, and I think Margo’s quite pretty.  It suits her.  Oh, and Aria.  I thought of Leor or something with a Leo in it, but I knew you’d have vetoed it if you were here.  But Aria’s Hebrew for lion.  I thought, well, at least your mum would appreciate that.  So.  Margo Aria.  Technically Margo Aria Simon, but we all know it’s really Fitz-Simmons…_

_“It’s four in the morning, so if I’m up putting the baby back to bed, you better be with me.  Alright, Margo, darling, one more lullaby and then, please, please sleep for Mummy.  ‘_ I see the moon, and the moon sees me, and the moon sees the somebody I want to see.  So-- _’ oh, god, Fitz, I need you so badly..._

_“I just want to sleep.  I want to sleep and she won’t stop crying.  I can’t make her stop.  And now every time she cries, I cry because I can’t do this, I just can’t.  But then I’m crying so she keeps crying and I don’t think I’m meant to be a mother…”_

At some point along the way, Fitz had found Jemma’s hand and squeezed, tighter and tighter with each passing minute.  When a steady flow of tears forced him to shut his eyes rather than continue watching, Jemma reached forward and skipped towards the later files.

_“Hey, monkey!  Hey!”_  
_“No, Mama!”_  
_“Margo, look up!_  
_“Dada!  Dadadadada!”_  
_“Where ya going, monkey?”_  
_“Here, Mama.  Up, Mama! Margo up!”_  
_“You have to give Mummy the camera first…”_

_“ROAR!”_  
_“What a big roar!  And squeaky!  Okay, Margo, tell Daddy what happens next.”_  
_“MARGO ROAR!”_  
_“And there you have it.  Once upon a time, Margo roared.  One day, she roared.  Finally, she... it’s your turn, baby .”_  
_“ROAR!”_  
_“Right.  Finally, she roared and they all lived happily ever after.”_  
_“ROAR!”_  
_“And roared themselves to sleep.”_  
_“No, Mama!”_  
_“Who was that?”_  
_“Oh, no.  ROAR.”_  
_“You are a little riot, aren’t you?  Okay, Margo, say night-night to Daddy...or give him a big kiss, that works, too.  Goodnight, Fitz.  I love you.”_  
_“Bye, dada!  I love you.”_

The clip ended, freezing with Margo’s mouth taking up the whole screen as though she had leaned in close to whisper to the camera.  Fitz stared at it, his eyes racing back and forth across the screen.  His right hand continued to hold tight to Jemma’s, squeezing it almost hard enough to hurt, while his left hovered over his mouth.  He took a deep breath, but no words followed.  After only a moment’s hesitation, Jemma took the laptop from his lap and set it on the windshield.  Then, careful not lean too heavily on the horn, she climbed over the center console and sat herself in his lap.  Smiling through her own tears, she cupped his face in her hands, rubbing his tears with her thumbs.  She pressed her forehead to his and willed him to open his eyes.

“She’s never said that before.  Not even to me.  I won’t lie, I was the teensiest bit jealous.”  She laughed as Fitz managed to wrap his arms around her waist and pull her impossibly closer.  “Her name is Margo.  Her birthday is December tenth.  She has these _amazing_ blue eyes.  And she’s so smart and clever and kind.  And no matter what’s wrong, talking to you always cheers her up and she holds your picture when she’s sad.  And she loves you, so, so incredibly much.”

At that, his eyes fluttered open and he stared at her with such intensity that it was all she could do to remember how to breathe.  And then his mouth was on hers, kissing her fiercely and pressing her up against the steering wheel, both oblivious to the blare of the horn.

They were a mess, she couldn’t help but think.  There they were, sitting in a parked car in the dark, kissing each other like horny teenagers, and sobbing uncontrollably.  They could have stayed there forever, completely consumed by each other.  But then her phone rang.

“Shit.”  She leaned over and grabbed her phone from her seat.  Fitz buried his face in her neck, rubbing small circles into her back as she checked the caller ID.  “Oh, fuck!  Hi!  Hi, I’m here!”

“ _Where the fuck are you, Alice?_ ”

“I’m on my way!”

“ _Ellie called almost two fucking hours ago.  She ended up going out with some of the other girls, but Mike’s this close to calling her and the police!_ ”

“I’m sorry, Leo!  I’m sorry.  I’ll be back in twenty minutes, okay?  How is she?”

“ _Sleeping.  Are you sure you’re okay?_ ”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.  Twenty minutes.”  She hung up and pulled Fitz by the chin to face her.  “That was Leo, across the street.  He and Mike--Ellie’s husband--were watching the girls tonight.  Mike and Ellie have two.  I guess Ellie must have told them I was on the way--we only live twenty minutes from the bar.  I...I know it’s a lot and I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re thinking right now.  And I’ve got no idea whether you need to get back to your hotel or apartment or whatever--”

“Jemma!”

She took a deep breath.  “Yeah?”

“She’s my daughter.”

Jemma nodded, tears welling again in her eyes.  “She’s so much like you, Fitz.  In every possible way.”

Fitz nodded quickly, his lips pressed together.  Then, he laughed.  “I love her.  I don’t even know her and I love her.”

“Do you want to come home?”

“Yes.”

“Do you want me to drive?”

He shook his head.  “Helps me think.”

So Jemma crawled back into the passenger seat and began quietly giving him directions back to her house, running her hands up and down his thigh to quell his shaking.

“It’s this one, here,” she finally whispered, directing him into her driveway.

No sooner had he parked the car than did the Adlers’ front door swing open and Leo came marching out to the car.

“Do you feel like a teenager about to get scolded for missing curfew?”

Fitz managed a small laugh as she stepped out of the car.

“It’s fine, Leo, I’m fine!”

Leo was about to say something, his mouth open in anger and concern, when he noticed Fitz through the car window.  His eyes darted back and forth between them, his face softening as the realization dawn on him.

“You found him.”

Jemma turned to the car and nodded.  Slowly, Fitz stepped out of the car and held out his hand.

“Eric Fitzgerald.”

Leo grabbed his hand and shook it enthusiastically, laughing.  “I don’t believe it!”  He turned to Jemma.  “You had no idea, Al, did you?”

She shook her head.

He laughed again.  “Leo Fitzgibbons.  I live across the street.”

“Nice to meet you.”

“Oh, _oh!_  Do you...do you need…” he gestured between Jemma and the Adlers.

She grinned despite the tears in her eyes.  “Yeah, yeah, um, I’m going to go in.  Wash my face and let Monster out.”

Leo nodded.  “Yeah, definitely.  I’ll go get her stuff together.”  He clapped Fitz on the shoulder.  “Nice meeting you, Fitz.”

“Yeah, you too.”

As Leo sprinted back to the Adlers’, Fitz turned to Jemma and raised an eyebrow.

She shrugged and started walking towards the front door, motioning for him to follow.  “A couple weeks ago, I had a rather rough night.  They all know I’m called Jemma.  I threw a bit of a fit and Leo came over later.  I guess I really needed get it all out.”  She pushed the door open and let him walk in ahead of her.

“I think not talking about you for two and a half years was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”

Jemma laughed as she went to let Monster out of his crate.  “I’m impressed you succeeded.  Monster, pup, this is your dad.”

Fitz reached down to pet Monster’s head.  “Monster?”

“Yeah, Beth named her.  I read online that puppies and pregnant women need the same amount of exercise and it seemed like something you’d insist on.  Beth was about three and I was still trying to bond, so…”

“He’s not very monstrous.”

“No.”

Silently, she walked back to her bathroom, Fitz behind her.  Together, they washed their faces and returned to the living room.

“You look like you’re going to vomit.”

“I feel like it.”

She took his face in her hands.  “She loves you.  She might be cranky because it’s late, but she loves you.”  She kissed his jaw.  “Just like I do.”

Fitz smiled and put his hands on her waist.  “I love you, Jemma.  More than anything.”  He grinned.  “Except Margo.  And maybe Monster.”

She laughed and kissed him.  “Well, you and Monster bond.  I’ll be just a minute.”

Fitz nodded, and Jemma would have laughed at how pale he was if she wasn’t so sure she was just as pale.

Mike opened the door before she had even knocked.  

“Leo says you’re okay, but won’t give me any details.”

She nodded and drew in a quick breath.  “Tomorrow.  Or Sunday.  Soon, though, I promise.”

“As long as you’re all right.”

“I’m good.  Really good.”

At that moment, Leo rounded the corner, Margo blinking herself awake in his arms.  

“Look who’s here, Margo.”

Margo yawned and mumbled sleepily.

Jemma took her in her arms.  “Hi, baby.”

“Shhh.”

Jemma laughed and kissed the top of head.  “Tell Ellie I’ll text her about yoga tomorrow.”

Mike nodded.  “‘Night, Alice.”

“Night, Mike, Leo.”

Taking the diaper bag from Leo, she turned and began walking back towards her house.  

“Margo, baby, time to wake up.”

“No, mama.”

“Yeah, baby.  I know it’s late, but Mummy has a really big surprise for you.”

“‘prise?”

“Yeah, monkey.  Super big surprise.”

Margo yawned and nodded, and kissed Monkey.  “Morning, Money.”

Jemma laughed.  “Morning, Monkey.  It’s like a reverse nap, Margo.  We’re taking a quick break and back to sleep.”

She pushed open the door and stepped into the living room.  Immediately, Fitz stood, what little color there was draining from his cheeks.  He opened his mouth to speak, but quickly shut it, bringing his hand up and pressing his fingers to his lips.  

Jemma shifted Margo and kissed her cheek.  “Margo, look who’s here.  Who’s that, monkey?”

For a minute, Margo stared at Fitz, still blinking herself awake.  Then, eyes widening, she looked back and forth between her mother and her father, smile stretching over her face.  When Fitz dropped his hand to smile back at her, Margo let out a loud shriek and began clapping her hands, dropping Monkey.  Grinning, Fitz knelt down on the ground as Jemma set down Margo.  

“Hey, Margo,” Fitz said, his voice cracking on her name.

Margo giggle loudly and tugged on Jemma’s hand.  “Da!  Dadadada!”

Jemma nodded and squatted down next to her.  “Yeah, baby.  Daddy’s here.”

Again, Margo shrieked and ran towards Fitz, running around him and straight into the kitchen.  

Jemma and Fitz looked at each other in confusion.

“Margo, baby, where’d you go?”

“Wait, Mama!”

“Margo, what are you doing?”

“‘prise, Mama!”

Shrugging at Fitz, Jemma began to walk towards the kitchen.  

“NO, MAMA, WAIT!”

Were it any other night, she would have scolded Margo.  Instead, she went to sit on the couch, grabbing Fitz’s hand as he sat beside her.  From the kitchen, they could hear cabinets opening and closing, and what sounded like a chair being pushing across the floor.  
“Are you being careful, Margo?”

Margo grunted.  “Yes!” Then there was a gasp.  “Ah-ha!”

Fitz laughed.

“She’s very animated.”

He nodded.  “I can tell.”

A door in the kitchen slammed shut and Margo came running back into the living room, a half-empty bag of chocolate chips clutched in her hands.  Quickly, she clambered up onto the couch between her parents.

“Chip, Dada?”  She held out the bag.

Jemma grinned and ran a hand through Margo’s hair.  “Are you sharing with Daddy?”

Margo nodded and Jemma brought a hand to her mouth.

“We’ve been working on sharing,” she managed to say.

Fitz grinned.  “Just one, okay?  It’s after bedtime.”

“Yeah, dada.”  She fished a chocolate chip from the bag and held it to Fitz’s lips.  Trying not to laugh, he let her press it into his mouth before kissing her hand.

“Delicious.”

Margo squealed and crawled into his lap.  She wrapped her arms around his neck and pull herself up so that she was standing on his legs.  She bounced, hugging him tight and kissed him.

“Mama!  Dada!”

Jemma quickly brushed a tear from her cheek.  “Yeah, Margo.  It’s Daddy.”

Margo grinned and pressed herself against Fitz’s chest.  He wrapped his arms around her, rocking her back and forth.  Jemma could just barely make out the repeated whispers of “I love you,” as he rubbed her back.  For several minutes, Jemma only watched them, sure that at any moment, she’d realize it was all just a fantasy.  But when Monster pounced up on the couch on her other side, she let out a shaky breath with the realization that he was there, really there, sitting beside her and trying to supply their daughter with almost two years’ worth of missed  kisses.  Scratching behind Monster’s ears, she leaned against Fitz.  Immediately, he removed one of his arms from around Margo and pulled Jemma to his side.

“I love you,” he whispered in her ear.

Jemma tilted her head up to kiss his jaw, before nuzzling back into his shoulder.  For a long while, they sat there in silence, Fitz holding his daughter as though he would never let go, and Jemma watching as Margo’s face seemed to relax completely in her father’s embrace, her eyes growing heavier and heavier until her feet gave out beneath her and she curled into a tiny ball in Fitz’s lap.  Silently, Jemma squeezed Fitz’s knee and gestured for him to look down.

“I don’t think I’ve seen you smile like that since that monkey waved to you at the zoo,” she whispered.

“She is far cuter.”

“Yeah?”

Fitz nodded.  “Yeah.  And you’ve trained her to respond to ‘monkey,’ so if I wasn’t sure before, I definitely love you now.”

She winked at him.  “Well, we’ve got a child together now, so…”

He leaned in to kiss her.  At the movement, Margo whined and cuddled closer.  “I think it’s time for someone to go to sleep.”

Margo rolled up to face him and pouted.  Jemma grinned and tickled her foot.  “Come on, sleepy head.  Why don’t you let Daddy put you to bed?”

Margo nodded despite the tears welling in her eyes.  Kissing her cheek, Fitz lifted her up and, with Jemma’s hand on his back guiding him, took Margo to her room, Monster following behind and curling up in the corner.  When Fitz lowered the baby into the crib, her grip around his neck only tightened.  Jemma sighed.

“Come on, baby.  Time to go to sleep.  Mummy and Daddy are going to sleep, too.”

Margo’s face scrunched up as tears began leaking from her eyes.  “Song?”

Jemma smiled.  “Okay, baby.  You want to sit with Daddy while Mummy sings?”

Margo nodded.  Rocking her gently, Fitz went and sat in the rocking chair.  Jemma knelt on the floor in front of them, taking both of Margo’s feet in her hands.

“What song, baby?”

“Moon.”

Jemma smiled and looked up at Fitz.  “We love our moon song.  We sing it every. Single. Night.”

Fitz grinned and kissed Margo’s forehead.  “Lucky girl if Mummy sings to you every night.”

Margo nodded solemnly and snuggled closer to Fitz.  Jemma kissed her feet.

“ _I see the moon, and the moon sees me, and moon sees the somebody I want to see._ ”  She looked up at Fitz and grinned.  “ _So god bless the moon, and god bless me, and god bless the somebody I want to see.  It seems to me that god above created you for me to love, and picked you out from all the rest, because god knows that I love you the best.  So god bless the moon, and god bless me, and god bless the somebody I want to see_.”

Fitz reached out to touch Jemma’s cheek, but Margo shrieked and grabbed his hand.

Jemma frowned and tickled Margo’s sides.  Rather than laugh, Margo pouted.  “Hey!  What happened to my sharer?”

“No, Mama!”  And she began to cry.

Jemma raised an eyebrow at Fitz.   _Cuddles are nice, but can you enforce bedtime?_

Fitz smirked before standing up.  Rocking Margo in his arms, he paced around the room until her crying stopped.  When she looked up with wide eyes and smiled back at him, he kissed her.  “Goodnight, Margo.  Daddy loves you so, so much.”  He set her down in the crib.

Immediately, Margo began screaming, grabbing onto the bars of her crib and staring at her parents with such distress that Fitz looked like he was a moment away from joining her.  Jemma walked over to the crib.

“It’s okay, baby, we’re just going to sleep now.  It’s time to calm down and go to--Oh!”  She turned to face Fitz and mouthed, “ _Monkey_.”

Nodding, Fitz left the room.  As soon as he reached the door, Margo’s wails became impossibly louder.  She grabbed onto Jemma’s arms, trying to climb out of her crib.  Crouching down to eye-level, Jemma began hushing her softly.

“It’s okay, Margo.  Mummy’s right here, and Daddy just went to get Monkey.  It’s okay.”

A moment later, Fitz returned, the stuffed lion held out before him.  Margo shrieked and reach toward him with one hand, the other still gripping Jemma’s wrist.

“Is this what you wanted, sweetheart?  You wanted Monkey?”  He held out the lion, but Margo only swatted it away, her breath coming in soft gasps as she sobbed.  Frowning, Jemma scooped her up, bouncing her up and down.

“What wrong, baby?”  She looked at Fitz as she clutched Margo to her chest, rubbing her back and trying to calm her.  “She never does this.  She’s a brilliant sleeper.”

Fitz shrugged helplessly.  “Something she ate?”

“Is that what’s wrong, baby?  Does your tummy hurt?”

Margo continued sobbing, twisting in Jemma’s arms to look at Fitz with red, puffy eyes.  He stepped towards them, kissing Margo’s head and wrapping an arm around Jemma’s waist.  Jemma glanced at Fitz, wondering if she looked as distressed as he did.  Kissing Margo’s head, she walked over to the rocking chair, sitting as, this time, Fitz knelt in front of her.  She sat Margo on her lap, facing forward.  Fitz held her feet in his hands, peppering her face with soft kisses until she found her breath.

Sighing in relief, Jemma gave her arm a tight squeeze.  “All better, baby?”

Margo shook her head and reached towards Fitz.  He took her hands and kissed them.

“Can you tell Mummy and Daddy what’s wrong?”

Margo looked up at Jemma with glassy eyes, her face bright red and her mouth pulled tight in preparation for renewed sobs.  “Dada,” she managed to choke out.

“Yeah, Margo.  Daddy came home to us, right?  Because Daddy always comes back.”

Margo looked up at her mother.  “No bye?”

Jemma stared back in confusion, gasping suddenly when she understood what Margo was trying to ask her.  “Oh, Margo!”  She pulled Margo so that she was standing on her legs and motioned for Fitz to move behind her where Margo could see him.  “Do you see Daddy, right here next to Mummy?”

Margo nodded.

“See how it’s really Daddy, and not just a picture?”

Again, she nodded.

“Margo, I need you to look at Mummy.  Good girl.  Margo, Daddy isn’t going anywhere.  No goodbye.  Just goodnight.”  She looked up at Fitz, suddenly worried--however irrationally she knew it was--that she was overstepping her bounds.  But he smiled.

“I’ll still be here in the morning, Margo.  And the next morning after that.”

“Ever?”

Jemma nodded.  “Yeah, baby.  Daddy’s back for good.  It’s okay to go to sleep--Daddy will be here in the morning.  I promise.”

Margo held up her arms to Fitz, who gently lifted her from Jemma’s lap.  “I’m not going anywhere, okay, Margo?  I’m just going to bed.  I’ll be here when you wake up.”

He set her down in her crib, breathing a sigh of relief when she lay down and grabbed Monkey.  Smiling Jemma and Fitz leaned in to kiss her goodnight.

“Goodnight, Margo.”

“Goodnight, baby girl.  I love you.”

Margo nodded and hugged Monkey.  “Love you.”

“So much, Margo.  I’ll see you in the morning.”

Blowing her a final kiss, Fitz put his arm around Jemma and, together, they left the room.

“So,” Jemma said quietly, sitting back on the couch.  “What now?”

“Honestly, I could really use a shower.”

She laughed.  “Yeah, okay.  Just use the master bath.”  She pointed down the hallway.

After ducking to kiss her cheek, Fitz turned and left.

Letting out a long, slow breath, Jemma lay down on the couch.

Fitz was here.  In her house.  In her bathroom.

For the first time, he had put their daughter to bed.  It felt as though she had been transported into another life, a life where she wasn’t being constantly torn apart from the people she loved.  A life where she was allowed to be happy.  It almost made her want to cry with the realization that life had proven to her that happiness couldn’t last.  But, for now, she would take what she had.  

She reached down to the floor and grabbed her phone from her bag, typing out a quick text to Ellie.

**Alice Simon** 11:42PM  
_iMessage_  
_Yoga tomorrow?  I’ll explain everything.  Promise._

_**Ellie Adler** 11:43PM_  
_iMessage_  
_I’ll see you then._

Sitting up, Jemma rolled her shoulders back, savoring the little _pop_ of her joints, and walked to the linen closet in the hall, taking out a set of towels.  Shutting her bedroom door behind her, she walked to the bathroom and tapped softly on the cracked open door.

“Fitz,” she called, softly enough not to disturb Margo, but loud enough for him to hear over the water.  “I brought you a towel.”

To her surprise, he laughed.  “Jemma, not two hours ago did you show me a video of you talking about how much you missed my body.  And we do have a baby together.”

“Right.”  She grinned, but didn’t move.

“Jemma?”

“Yeah?”

“You can come in.”

So she did.  For what she was sure was an embarrassingly long time, she stood in the doorway, content with watching him.  After several minutes, Fitz winked at her, putting his hands on his hip.  

“Enjoying yourself?”

She blinked. “I’ve missed this.”

“Watching me shower?”

“Ogling at your bum.”

Fitz laughed.  “Just my bum?”

Jemma shrugged and sat on the counter next the the sink, grinning at him.

Smiling, Fitz turned off the shower.  “Are you going to bring my towel?”

“No.”

Still smiling, he got out of the shower and took a step towards her.  “Are you really going to make me walk across your bathroom, stark naked and soaking wet?”

Jemma nodded.  “Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve seen a naked man?”

Fitz made a face as though he was concentrating very hard.  And then, after a moment, said, “Twenty-four hours, right?  Scott, the department head?”

Jemma threw the towel at him.  “Ugh, Fitz!”

He looked pointedly down at the towel and back up to her, taking another step forward.  “That’s disgusting, Jemma.  Really.  No idea what’s been on your floor--”

“Oh, are you going to kiss me or not?”

So he did.  In a single, swift movement, he had pressed himself up against her, grabbing her legs and positioning himself between them.  He kissed her neck and Jemma let her head fall back, savoring the warmth of him pressed between her legs, against her chest.  Without thinking, she pulled back just long enough to pull her shirt off over her head, before pulling him back to her and biting gently on his lower lip.  Fitz moaned and pulled back to look at her.  Slowly, he pressed a kiss to her jaw, to her collarbone, to the top of each breast.  He kissed her belly button, he kissed each place where a stretch mark had taken over a scar far crueller.  He kissed her hipbone where it disappeared into her jeans.

“You’re beautiful,” he whispered, trying to fit two and a half years of reverence, love, and awe into a single breath.

As far as she could tell, he succeeded.  “I love you.”

She cupped his cheek in her hand and his kissed her palm.  Looking up at her, he began to unbutton her jeans.

Shutting her eyes, Jemma swore under her breath and grabbed his hair.  “Fitz!”

“I’m getting there.  You’re not the only one who’s gone two and a half bloody years.”

“I don’t have a condom.  I don’t have anything.”

He buried his face in the denim that still covered her thigh.  “Fuck.”  But then he looked up and grinned.  “I suppose I’ll just have to go down on you.”  He returned to her button.

“Fitz!”

“I’m busy.”  Undoing the button and zip and wiggling her jeans.  “Help?”  He gestured for her to raise her hips as he pressed a soft kiss to the waistband of her panties.

She let out a small gasp, but tugged firmly on his hair.  “Margo,” she said firmly.

He rested his chin on her thigh.  “Jemma.  First of all, I don’t think she could have changed all that much.  And second: even if she did, all the more reason for me to thank your vagina, repeatedly, for all the magnificent work it’s done.”

Jemma rolled her eyes, feeling her blush extend down her chest.  But she sighed.  “I’ll scream.”

“That’s the poi--Oh.”

“Yeah.  ‘Oh.’”

“Is she that light of a sleeper?”

“Light enough,” Jemma said, pushing herself off the counter as Fitz straightened up.  “And she was all worked up before bed and, really, that’s not a sound I _ever_ want her to hear.”

He sighed and dropped his head to her shoulder, arms encircling her waist.  “I should probably dry off.”

She nodded.  “I’ve got some pyjama bottoms of yours.”  She detached herself from him and walked back into her bedroom, pulling the box out from under the bed.  “Most of them, I sleep in.  But, I don’t know.  I thought if I didn’t wear one pair, they’d keep smelling like you.”

He grinned, picking the towel up off the floor and drying off.  “Did it work?”

She pressed the sweatpants to her face.  “Not really, but I tell myself it did.”  She tossed them to him.  “You can wear them tonight and we’ll get your stuff from your hotel tomorrow.”

For a moment, he stared at her.  “You want me here?”

She bit her lip and nodded.

When she fell asleep that night, she was more comfortable than she could ever remember.  Fitz was pressed so close to her, his breath so warm on her neck and his arms so tight around her waist, that the couch would have proven to be wide enough for them.  It had taken a while to fall asleep, though not for a struggle to find a comfortable position.  Rather, feeling far more sympathetic to her toddler, Jemma found herself worrying that he would vanish the moment she shut her eyes.  But eventually the familiar cadence of his breathing lulled her into a sleep more peaceful than any she could remember.

Yet, as her clock blinked 3:23AM, she woke up to an empty bed.

“Fitz?”

There was no response.  Willing herself not to cry, she told herself that his side of the bed (it had never really stopped being _his_ side) was too warm for it to be a dream.  She slipped the cracked open door and made her way to Margo’s room.  

He was standing next to the crib, one hand over his mouth as he stared at her.  On the floor, Monster remained fast asleep.

“Some watchdog you are,” Jemma whispered.

Fitz didn’t even blink.  “Do you ever just watch her,” he asked, “and wonder how she’s even possible?”

Jemma walked over to him and wrapped her arms around his waist.  “Everyday,” she told him, kissing his cheek.

He squeezed his eyes shut and buried his face in her hair.  “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For not being here.”

She pulled back just far enough to take his face in her hands.  “You’re here now,” she said.  “And that’s what matters.”

At 5:45am, Jemma’s alarm went off.  She silenced it and rolled into Fitz’s arms.  Still mostly asleep, he kissed her cheek, her jaw, her neck, and she sighed and reminded herself that if she didn’t get out of bed now, she wouldn’t get out of bed at all.  She found his lips with her own and mumble against them, “Wait here.”

“Where are you going?”

“Shhh.  Just wait.”

She climbed out of bed and, without turning on the lights, changed into her workout clothes and slipped out the door.

For a moment, the only sound was Margo’s half-asleep babbling through the baby monitor.  The she squealed.

“ _Morning, baby._ ”

“ _Mama!_ ”

“ _Mummy’s going to go to yoga, okay?_ ”

“ _Sylie?_ ”

“ _No Sylvie today, monkey.  I’ve got a better idea._ ”

A moment later, Jemma returned to her bedroom, Margo in her arms, clutching Monkey.  She laughed.

“Dada!”

“Yeah, baby.  You want to go back to bed with Daddy?”

Margo nodded and Fitz held up his arms, taking her from Jemma and lowering her down for a morning kiss.

“Hi, Dada!”

Fitz grinned as Margo crawled under the blankets and curled up next to him.  “‘Morning, Margo.”

Jemma smiled, telling herself not to cry.  “I’ll be back by nine,” she said, and left.

Ellie was waiting on her front porch when Jemma got outside.

“Where’s Margo?”

“In bed.”

“You have so much explaining to do,” Ellie said, walking towards her car.

Jemma got into the passenger seat.  “You know how I’m Alice Simon?” she asked.

Ellie raised her eyebrow.  “Absolutely.  One-hundred percent.  Alice Simon born and bred.”

Jemma fought the urge to roll her eyes as Ellie backed out of the driveway.  “Well, in the same way I’m Alice Simon, he’s Eric Fitzgerald.”

The car jerked as Ellie slammed on the breaks.

“ _WHAT?_ ”

Jemma laughed and leaned back in her seat, smiling contentedly.  “He’s been my best friend since I was sixteen years old.  I don’t know how long I’ve loved him, but long enough.”

“So, the former partner who’s definitely not Margo’s dad?”

“Yup.”

“Definitely Margo’s dad?”

“Definitely.”

“Wow.”

“And Ellie?”

“Yeah?”

“Can we stop for condoms on the way home?”

Ellie laughed so hard that she pulled the car over to the side of the road and they stayed there for five minutes.

She walked in the front door at 9:04AM and could smell it as soon as got to the porch.  From the kitchen, Margo giggled.  Quietly as she could, Jemma walked to the doorway.

Fitz was standing at the stove, angled away from it with Margo on his far hip, pancake mix all over her pyjamas and chocolate around her mouth.

“Think Daddy can flip this one, baby girl?”

“No!”

“No?  Margo, your lack of faith offends me.”

“Hi, Dada.”

“You know what?  I forgive you.”  He kissed her head and flipped the pancake.  “And you seem to be right anyway.”

Jemma laughed.

“Mama!”  Margo wiggled until Fitz set her down and ran to Jemma, grabbing her hand.  “Pan, Mama!  Pan!”

Jemma smiled and let Margo pull her toward Fitz.  “Are you and Daddy making pancakes?”

Fitz grinned and kissed her.  “Someone was very insistent.”

“Oh, was she?”

Fitz nodded, tearing a pancake in half and holding it to Jemma’s mouth.  She rolled her eyes, but took the bite.  “Delicious.”

“See, Margo?  Daddy can make pancakes just as good as Mummy.”

“No!”

Fitz gasped in mock offense as Margo giggled.  He looked up at Jemma.  “I may have done some snooping.  Not my fault, but I did.”

Jemma raised an eyebrow.  “Oh?”

“Yeah, Margo wanted to show me pictures of myself.  Or compare me to my picture, make sure I was the right Daddy.  Anyway, I found this in your box of me and, well, I thought I could have another go.  If you want to, I mean.”  He pulled a small black box from his pocket.

Jemma gasped and brought her hands to her mouth, tears already welling in her eyes.  “I’m gross and sweaty.”

Fitz shrugged.  “I like you gross and sweaty.  Besides, you’ll taste like chocolate chip pancakes when I kiss you.”

She nodded.

“Great, just need to confer.”  He knelt down on the grown and beckoned Margo over to him.  Immediately she went, leaning against him and squealing in delight when he whispered in her ear.  “Marvelous.  It’s settled, then.”  He propped up on knee, which Margo immediately climbed up on.  With one arm, he put a hand on Margo’s waist to steady her.  With the other, he opened the box and held it out.

“I thought I’d have a really great speech planned.  Maybe a rose on my knee.  Though I guess a baby trumps that.”  He grinned when she laughed, tears dripping down both their faces.  “I have spent two years and four months doing nothing but loving you.  Since I met you, we’ve had our ups and downs.  We’ve been cursed--don’t roll your eyes at me, you know it’s true.  But I think we’ve broken it now.  I’ve lived without you and it’s just not living.  So, I would really like to never have to do that again.  You are--” he paused to kiss Margo’s head “--the most important thing in my life.  Possibly tied.  Or second.  And I want to spend the rest of my life making you happy and watching our daughter grow up.  So, Jemma Simmons, will you marry me?”

She nodded and opened her mouth to tell him yes, to tell him that he would be stupid to think she didn’t want to spend every second of the rest of her life with him.  Instead, she let out a choked sob and continued to nod.

Crying, Fitz stood, lifting Margo back to his hip.  He wrapped his other arm around Jemma, pulling her close and kissing her soundly.

“You hear that, Margo?” he asked when they broke apart, pressing their foreheads together to grin down and the laughing little girl between them.  “I think your Mummy’s going to marry me.”

Margo squealed, clapping her hands, and Jemma couldn’t help but laugh.

“I love you,” she whispered, feeling as though maybe, just maybe, life was working out in her favor.


	6. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I'm finally posting the last chapter of this. Thank you so much to everyone who read, gave kudos, and reviewed this. You have no idea how much it means to me.
> 
> Thank you to Casey and Lilly, for editing this.  
> Another thanks to Casey for dealing with endless text messages about the most random things.  
> But mostly, thank you, Bowie, my precious pup, for sitting on my lap for an hour while I tried to record Margo's lullaby for Casey and needed someone to love enough to get the emotions right.

“Fitz!  Fitz, wake up!”

Fitz opened his eyes and blinked up at Jemma.  “What time is it?”

“Seven-thirty.”

“Mmm. Early.”

“Fitz!”

“Where’s Margo?”

“Coloring in the living room, but--”

“If you’re okay and Margo’s okay, I’m going back to sleep.  Nine.  We’ll do it at nine.”

“Fitz!  Glenn Talbot got reinstated yesterday.”

Immediately, Fitz sat up.  “What?”

“Must have been as soon as we went to bed.  And that’s only the start!”  Jemma shoved her phone under his face.

  
_From: P. Coulson  To: M. May, D. Johnson, A. MacKenzie +3 Others  Yesterday, 10:53PM_  
_No Subject_

_If you’ve been watching the news, you know that an hour ago, Glenn Talbot was reinstated.  His first act was to undo the liquidation of our identities, or whatever you want to call it._  
_First and foremost, I hope you all are well.  You don’t need to respond to this--I understand if you’ve grown accustomed to your new lives.  That said, **Melinda: please respond** .  Unsurprisingly, Agent May managed to remove all trackers and go off the grid after three weeks.  I know the rest of you are alive, at least.  But, Melinda, we would all appreciate the confirmation._  
_I know you will all ask: I found Daisy after about three months.  We’re living in London and there have only been a few minor issues._  
_(FitzSimmons--your families send you their love and hope you are well and call them as soon as you have your identities back.  So, now)_  
_I will never be able to apologize enough, both for what many of you went through during my tenure as director of SHIELD, or in the events that followed my dismissal._  
_I don’t know where any of you are, or if you’ve been placed together, but I wish you all the best and hope to see--or hear--from you all soon._

_Phil Coulson_

  
_From: M. May  To: P. Coulson, D. Johnson, A. MacKenzie +3 Others  Yesterday, 11:12PM_  
_Re: No Subject_

_Took me two weeks to find them.  We’re doing well._

  
Attached was a selfie of May sitting on a beach, drink in hand, Bobbi next to her waving at the camera as Hunter stood behind them with a dopey grin.

“It gets better,” Jemma said, scrolling to the next message in the chain.  
  


_From: E. Rodriguez  To: M. May, D. Johnson, P. Coulson +3 Others  Today, 1:03AM  
_ _Re:re: No Subject_

_I win  
_ _Maryam and Sofia_

  
Fitz gasped when he scrolled to her attached image.  Sitting on the lawn of a large stone building were Mack and Elena.  A young girl, no more than a year older than Margo, sat cross-legged in the grass across from them, smiling down at a doll that Elena hand clearly just handed her.  Mack looking down in his arms, where a small baby, no more than a month or two old, was seemingly asleep.  Fitz set down the phone and turned to Jemma.

“We have to beat them.”

Jemma laughed as Fitz climbed out of bed.  “It’s not a competition.”

“Are we talking about the same Elena Rodriguez?  Who now has two adorably tiny children?  We’re beating them.”  He bent down to kiss Jemma’s not-quite-flat stomach.  She rolled her eyes.

“I’ll get the bag, you get the camera.”  

A minute later, they stood in the hallway, smiling at each other.  Fitz turned the camera on.

“Elena, Mack, your daughters are beautiful.  I think I’ve still got you beat though.  And the rest of you are so screwed.”

“ _Fitz!_ ”

He turned the camera away from himself.  “First of all, I’ve got Jemma.”

“None of them are alone, either, Fitz.”

He ignored her and walked to the living room, Jemma behind him.

“ _Margo!_ ” Jemma gasped.

Margo didn’t even look up, too busy drawing on the coffee table with all the intensity a three-year-old could muster.

“Margo, are you coloring on Mummy’s table?”

“I’m busy.”

Fitz sighed.  “This isn’t going as planned.  Margo!  Stop that.”

She looked up, glaring at the camera in annoyance.

“Margo, I’m not going to yell at you while Daddy has the camera on.”

“Bye-bye!”

Fitz put a hand on Jemma’s arm.  “Margo, Mummy and I have a present for you, but you don’t get it until you put your crayon down and apologize.”

Margo seemed to consider her options for a moment before whispering, “Sorry,” and setting the crayon on the table.  Immediately, Monster took it in his mouth and ran off.

“Monster, no! That’s mine!”

Jemma laughed.  “I’ll get you a new one, Margo, don’t worry.”  Jemma walked over to the table and sat down on the floor next to Margo, handing her the bag.

“It’s my birthday?”

Fitz laughed, zooming in on Jemma and Margo.  “No, monkey, it’s not your birthday.”

Margo shrugged and pulled a yellow t-shirt with purple writing out of the bag.

“What’s that say, monkey?”

“I can’t read!”

Jemma kissed her cheek.  “Let’s sound it out.  ‘I.’ ‘Mmm.’”

“I’M!”

“Yeah!  Good job, Margo!” They continued on until Margo began murmuring syllables under her breath.  Then she gasped.

“I’M THE BIG SISTER!”  She giggled and clapped her hands excitedly as Jemma held out the shirt for the camera, showing one taller stick figure between two smaller ones.

“See, Margo,” she said, pointing, at the taller figure.  “There’s you.”

“There’s two!”

“Yeah, monkey.  Two babies.”

Margo shrieked and began running around the room, crawling under the chairs and coffee table.

“See?” Fitz said.  “You might have two cute kids, but I’m got three.  And, last I checked, three is more than two, so...Margo, what are you doing?”

She pulled her head out from under the couch. “I can’t find them!”

“Can’t find what?”

“My babies!”

Jemma roared with laughter as Fitz turned the camera back on himself.  “Well, now I’ve got to have a conversation with a three-year-old that I am not letting any of you witness.  Especially you, Hunter.  But, who knows?  Maybe you all have been dying for a chance to come to Australia.  We’ll see.  Say bye, Margo!”

Margo rushed to the camera and gave it a big kiss, shrieking, “I’M GETTING TWINS,” and bouncing up and down in laughter.

Jemma waved at the camera, scooping Margo up in her arms.  “Bye, guys!  Love you all!”

She grinned at Fitz as he turned off the camera.  

At 8:09am, Jemma Simmons sat with her three-year-old at the kitchen table and tried to explain to her how two babies were growing in her belly.

At 8:15am, Leo Fitz served his fiancee and daughter chocolate chip pancakes, laughing as Margo’s eyes grew wider and wider with each word that came from her mother’s mouth.

In only a little more than year, the routine had begun to feel old, as though there had never been anything else.

And it was perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thank you so much for reading this.
> 
> Know that this isn't the end of this 'verse, though. I've currently got three or four one-shots planned and, as always, am open to any prompts you have of things you wish I had told you/plotholes you wished I hadn't ignored/etc.


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